"It has been said that the hardest job in the world is raising a child, but the people who say this have probably never worked at a comb factory or captured pirates on the high seas."
(Horseradish, Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)
This author of one of my favorite 'book of quotes' (as well as, The Series of Unfortunate Events) deserves much praise for capturing the inconvenient truths of life in the most humorously morbid way... and I usually agree with his melancholy statements. Until now...
Now it's my turn to relay the harsh truths of reality with a few quotes of my own...
"Motherhood... makes capturing pirates on the high seas, look like a Disney-themed vacation... and working at a comb factory like a relaxing, mental-health therapy session."
(Publish-pending future best-selling author) ... 'publish pending', meaning... as soon as I have time to eat a few calories so I don't pass out and die... then use the bathroom... then throw another load of laundry in... then fix kids lunch... only to realize we're out of all reasonable things to feed them... quickly place an 'emergency' online grocery order so we'll have something to eat tonight... then order pizza for the kids to eat for lunch, because, apparently they haven't acclimated to living off of spoonfuls of peanut butter like their mother has... I digress.
OK... now I'm sitting down to write... because I enjoy writing... and because my business-mentor and friend Erik Wilt (shout-out!) is making me. Well... not making me, but 'encouraging me'... and holding me accountable to sitting down and writing for an hour this week. So when did doing something enjoyable 'for myself' become such hard work??? Well, for me, it happened on an unusually cool day in the spring of 2009... I became a mom.
... and again in 2011... and 2012... and yet again in 2015.
So, here I sit... on an unmade bed that smells like old goat cheese since the baby spit up on it yesterday . I'm paying a babysitter to manage my gloriously unruly children for 5 hours, so that I can spend at least an hour of it trying to get a fussy baby to nap... before sitting down to 'enjoy myself'.
I am not complaining, mind you. Being a wife and mom... and staying home with my kids is exactly what I wanted and chose to do... and I feel privileged to be able to spend my days loving on the dear souls that mean more to me than anything else in the world. But... seriously... this is hard work. HARD WORK.
Capturing pirates on the high seas seems like quite the advantage. Open water... equipped with nets and candy lures (or whatever one catches a pirate with)... and focused completely on the task at hand... 'catch pirates'. Simple. Of course, there's a bit of sweat and risk involved... but 'tis true of most things worth accomplishing in this life.
Now... let's change the scene a bit. My living room, for example. Catching pirates and getting them to say 'yes ma'am' and brush their teeth and stop saying potty words... while you have a baby pirate chewing on your nipple... and a mine field of Lego's underfoot, all on just a few hours of interrupted sleep... and now you've got yourself a job. Well, not a job... more like a chaotic, philanthropic, non-profit charitable organization of some sort.
I imagine that on the high seas... if you're good at your job... then eventually, you capture the pirates, prop your feet up and drink the remaining rum. Again... very relaxing. But my days seem to be mostly spent trying to locate, capture and domesticate said pirates... and when the day is done... sleeping with one eye open since there's always one that escapes the holding cell and makes their way to my bed... where they proceed to pee on my sheets and kick me in the stomach. Not complaining, of course... it's just the harsh reality of dealing with pirates.
... and so... oh gosh... my hour is up! Unfortunately... I've spent my last, precious few minutes ferociously swatting at an antagonizing mosquito that turned out to be a rogue fuzz from a furry blanket. I will have to finish my thoughts at another time... but will post this unfinished work of art in attempt to become less of a perfectionist... and more of a 'seize the opportunity' kind of mom.
No meaningful, thought-provoking wrap-up... which, I'm sure , my fellow pirate-wranglers can understand...
... until next time!