My First Baby
As I was looking through an old journal today, I came across a letter. One that I had forgotten that I ever wrote. It was to our first baby that we never got to meet... then I realized that it has been exactly three years ago... today. A day full of anticipation and excitement, but instead, met with unexpected sadness. July 23, 2008... David and I eagerly waited as the ultrasound technician searched over and over for a heartbeat that was never found. We were sent home to wait... I had had no signs of a miscarriage. Our doctor tried to console us by saying 'Maybe your estimated due date is a few weeks off'... 'We'll just wait and see.' It was kind of her to be so optimistic... but I knew that the due date was not off. We went home... disheartened. The next morning was met with the dreaded cramps and contractions... and ultimately the miscarriage of our first baby. I think I must have been prompted to write this letter sometime in September, right around the time we'd be finding out the gender. It seems a little corny to share... but something that so many women go through... so I'm sure some out there can identify?
My Baby,
I'm so sorry that I never wrote to you when you were still inside of me. I thought I'd have plenty of time to get to know you and write you letters. I'm missing you so much today. I thought that losing you would get easier with time, but it seems to be the opposite. I just keep thinking of how you would've had a name this week. Boy or girl... it doesn't matter... I just wish I could feel you growing inside of me right now. You will always be our first baby. Nothing can replace the moment when I first learned that I was your mommy. I could have 10 more babies, but could never relive that moment. I can't wait to meet you in heaven one day. I bet Jesus gave you a beautiful name when you met him. I can't wait to hear it.
Mommy
Finding this letter today, affected me on so many levels. First of all, that our God is a REDEEMER. How else can you explain the blessing of two more beautiful children within three short years?
On the other hand, I found myself asking... "What about those who have only had the sadness of multiple miscarriages, without the joys of being a mother?" "What about my dear cousin and another friend I grew up with, miscarrying at even later stages in their pregnancies?" "What about our friends who have carried their precious babes to term, but never heard them cry." "What about another dear mother who lost her little girl after only knowing her for ten days?"... or another precious friend and mother who had to bury her son before his fifth birthday... or a grieving mother that will never see her daughter again or meet her first grandson.
These are the thoughts that flood my mind... and dwarf my own grief. The questions that will never have adequate answers this side of heaven. These are the things that remind me that I am part of a broken world... that I 'bump up against' fragile people each and every day. These things make my own prayer list very short. I don't need to pray that I will become more compassionate or less selfish, I simply need to open my eyes to what's going on around me. These things make me grateful for any speck of pain or suffering that I've endured throughout my relatively easy life. Grateful that my heart breaks for others. Grateful that I have a 'sad date' on the calendar... because many out there have 'sadder days' on their calendars. It makes me realize that this life is fleeting. It makes me long for a place where we will hold those little hands that we never held on earth... a place where "every tear will be wiped away".
My Baby,
I'm so sorry that I never wrote to you when you were still inside of me. I thought I'd have plenty of time to get to know you and write you letters. I'm missing you so much today. I thought that losing you would get easier with time, but it seems to be the opposite. I just keep thinking of how you would've had a name this week. Boy or girl... it doesn't matter... I just wish I could feel you growing inside of me right now. You will always be our first baby. Nothing can replace the moment when I first learned that I was your mommy. I could have 10 more babies, but could never relive that moment. I can't wait to meet you in heaven one day. I bet Jesus gave you a beautiful name when you met him. I can't wait to hear it.
Mommy
Finding this letter today, affected me on so many levels. First of all, that our God is a REDEEMER. How else can you explain the blessing of two more beautiful children within three short years?
On the other hand, I found myself asking... "What about those who have only had the sadness of multiple miscarriages, without the joys of being a mother?" "What about my dear cousin and another friend I grew up with, miscarrying at even later stages in their pregnancies?" "What about our friends who have carried their precious babes to term, but never heard them cry." "What about another dear mother who lost her little girl after only knowing her for ten days?"... or another precious friend and mother who had to bury her son before his fifth birthday... or a grieving mother that will never see her daughter again or meet her first grandson.
These are the thoughts that flood my mind... and dwarf my own grief. The questions that will never have adequate answers this side of heaven. These are the things that remind me that I am part of a broken world... that I 'bump up against' fragile people each and every day. These things make my own prayer list very short. I don't need to pray that I will become more compassionate or less selfish, I simply need to open my eyes to what's going on around me. These things make me grateful for any speck of pain or suffering that I've endured throughout my relatively easy life. Grateful that my heart breaks for others. Grateful that I have a 'sad date' on the calendar... because many out there have 'sadder days' on their calendars. It makes me realize that this life is fleeting. It makes me long for a place where we will hold those little hands that we never held on earth... a place where "every tear will be wiped away".
Comments
Such a beautiful and sweet letter. Thank you for sharing. Our first baby was due in October, we lost our second baby in October and welcomed Parker in October. Our God truly is a God of redemption. I could dread October and all the bitter memories... but the Lord gave me a reason to be SO excited about October. Thanks for opening your heart on such a sensitive topic.
I remember talking about that the first time we met at care group. I guess neither one of us are the 'beat around the bush' sort;)