Consider the Lilies...

(or for lack of a better picture... a weed.)

Click. Click. Clickclickclickclick....long pause. (inner monologue) "Why did I think this would be fun? This is insane. I hate roller coasters. This would be a stupid way to die. I think I'm gonna throw up." Eyes closed. Chest tightens. Jaws tingle. Pure panic.
This is usually what's going on in my mind after I finally get on the front row of my favorite roller coaster. Then... "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "I love roller coasters!" "That was fun!" "Let's do it again!" The ride is over. I didn't die or even throw up. The panic, anxiety, fear... GONE.

"I guess that's the best way to describe how I'm feeling" I told David the other day when he asked how I was doing. "Except I just feel stuck at the top."
"Oh, I 'm sorry baby." was all he said. After almost five years of marriage, he's learned that I don't always want a list of answers... sometimes just a little compassion goes a long way.
I haven't dealt with this much anxiety for years... and even then, I was on so much medication I don't think I ever REALLY felt it.
Now,the heat is on. I've been off all meds for almost 3 years. My physical pain has seemed to multiply since Elliot's birth. I'm getting up with baby brotha at least twice a night still. And there are many nights that I lie in bed, with my mind racing, only to barely fall asleep before he wakes up again.
Looking back at my childhood, I can remember feeling this way a bit. The sense of 'impending doom' when, in reality, there were no circumstances to warrant such feelings. I guess some of us are just prone to anxiety. It just comes naturally to me... as opposed to my fabulous husband who can find 'the glass half full' in any situation.
So... what does a person do when the the circumstances they face really DO warrant extreme anxiety, doubt and worry? On top of my natural tendencies to worry... a mountain of very real and painful obstacles. Chronic pain, broken relationships, unsaved loved ones, hopeless family situations, lives that seem wasted and defeated by sin... these are the things that weigh heavily on my heart.

Whatever is troubling to you...I believe there is an answer. Christ. Christ is my answer as I look to these mountains of trouble in my life. He came to pay my debt and save my soul. He is preparing a place for me in paradise. He intercedes for me to the Father. He has given his spirit to us so that we can love one another and bear each others burdens. He comforts my soul at 3:00 a.m. when I can't sleep and restores me at 6:00 a.m. when my precious little boy wakes up. Sometimes his 'answer' is granting me sleep. But lately, his answer for me has been 'walking through the storm with me'... reminding me of his presence even when I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.

Feelings are a funny thing. They can be overwhelming and consuming. At the top of the roller coaster one's mind can go a bit frantic... the drop seems way too steep. Those harnesses seem a little too flimsy. But once on solid ground, things come into perspective and the scary things become less scary. My 'solid ground' is His word... and the promises I find there. "He will never leave or forsake us." "He cares deeply for us." "He uses all things to work for good, for those who love Him and are called by Him." "Though sorrows may last for the night... Joy comes in the morning." "Our ways are not hidden from Him." "When we walk through the fire we will not be burned."

I'm looking forward to that relief that I know will be mine one day. When the roller coaster ride is over and I'm not just stuck at the top in fear and panic. Hopefully I can look back at the mountains and praise the one who got me over them... and even thank Him for those times when I had no other option but to cling to HIM and trust that He wouldn't let me fall.