Journal Entry from Friday...

Today would've been my Great-Grandma, Hammie's 95th birthday. It's so sad and strange that she's not here with us this year.

This day has also been sad for another reason. We have lost another little baby that we will not get to meet here on this earth. I can't be completely sure, since I haven't been to the doctor. But I remember losing our first little one and this one feels pretty much the same.(at this point, the miscarriage was not complete).

It's so strange... the grief of a miscarriage. I would never be presumptuous enough to compare it with the grief of losing a full term baby or even a young child, but it still leaves you with an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. We were expecting a baby in April... and that baby will never be here.

The thought of having three little ones before Evangeline's 3rd Birthday was fun, insane, exciting... and yes, a bit scary. But even that dream, as small and insignificant as it seems... is gone.

I am so grateful that I haven't experienced the grief or fear of not being able to get pregnant. I guess that's partially why David and I decided to have another baby so soon. I remember hearing of several friends that have been trying to conceive for quite some time... and I imagine it is a similar sort of grief that they're going through as well. The kind of grief that typically goes unspoken... or unacknowledged.
As I talked to many of these dear friends, I remember thinking how silly it seems to think that we have such control of our own lives.
I guess there are many who get 'their ducks in a row' and figure out exactly when to get pregnant each time. But at some point we must realize that we are not the ones in control. We obviously have a choice in the matter. But ultimately, life and death are in the hands of an All-knowing and All-powerful God. A God who loves and cares for our souls more than our momentary pleasure.

The sorrow that I feel right now is heavy, but I understand that it is not nearly as grievous as the sorrows that many others are bearing.

I wanted to share my thoughts from my journal because I know there are many who have experienced the same sadness of multiple miscarriages. It seems like a strange sort of grief that people don't talk about or understand. I wish I would've known more the first time I miscarried. I was very sad when we were told there was no heartbeat, but I was never prepared for what I was about to go through physically. The contractions, the pain ... essentially you're going through a miniature labor that you definitely were not prepared for.

I know this is too much information... so feel free to log out now. But I wish I knew what to expect, especially the first time. There was something precious inside of you. Something that you would do anything to protect... and suddenly it's gone with the flush of a toilet. You stand there wondering if you were suppose to do this alone in your bathroom... or rush to the hospital. Your grief seems overwhelming... and you expect your husband to be equally as upset. But eventually, I realized that it was o.k. that David didn't feel the same bond or grief that I was feeling. He was sad... but it's different. I know it's a bit risky to even discuss these things... I'm sure many have differing opinions, but this is my experience... and I know I can't be the only one. I pray my words would in some way help someone who is dealing with this some day.

Anyway... thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and kind words. They mean so much to me. This miscarriage has been easier on me, physically... but a bit tougher, emotionally. Maybe it's because I have two precious babies already... and I remember the hopes and dreams when I was just 9 weeks pregnant with each of them. Ironically... with Evangeline and Elliot, I was a nervous wreck until I heard their little heartbeats... and with this one I never even considered losing it. I know that God is Good... and I am happy and at peace with the rich life that He has blessed me with.