A break in the clouds

It's been pretty cloudy around here lately... and I'm not talking about the weather. It just seems like there's been a heavy sense of gloominess over the past month. I've dealt with depression before, so this is nothing new to me. But dealing with these feelings as a mom, when I actually have to function through the depression, is new to me.

About 3 months ago, Evangeline was sleeping well and acting somewhat pleasant during the days. Elliot had just started taking a bottle and I felt like I was on top of the world. My back pain was annoying, as usual, but I felt like I was accomplishing a lot and managing the pain pretty well.

David and I were thrilled to be expecting another bundle of joy as we went on an overnight trip to celebrate our 5th Anniversary. We had a glorious time together... and I felt motivated and inspired to face the challenges of the daily grind again.

Just two days after getting home, all the 'miscarriage stuff' started to happen. That week I was on bed rest as much as possible... meanwhile, both kids got sick and were up several nights in a row. I guess Evangeline sensed that things weren't quite normal around the house, so she followed suit by squeezing in a few extra temper tantrums a day... just for good measure.

That week was also very rainy, chilly and overcast (yes, the weather)... and my daily pain average went from about a 7, to a strong 10. The kids were up crying every night... and when they finally slept, I would toss and turn unable to sleep myself. The nights were long and depressing, but I didn't want the mornings to come. I felt panicky every time David would leave for work... and I felt like some sort of failure as a mom. Once the kids started feeling better, Evangeline's night terrors got worse. She was literally getting up several times a night screaming, talking or crying in her sleep. She would wake up Elliot... and we'd be up all night trying to get them both back down without waking each other up again.

I spiraled downhill pretty quickly. I think I just started panicking at the thought of dealing with another episode of depression without medication... not to mention without sleep. David and I were 'at each other' constantly. Arguing over how to deal with Evangeline. Disagreeing about whether to let Elliot cry at night or go in and feed him every 2 hours. I was emotional... and he was insensitive. Which is not a great combination.

I'm sharing all of this, not because I think my situation is very unique, but because I'm sure I'm not the only one who deals with these feelings.  The feelings that can overwhelm us in a second and convince us that there's no end in sight.

As a child of God, I'm ashamed to say that my first thought was not to run to Him with my burdens. I would tend to quickly fall into despair... or apathy. But eventually I just started praying. Not praying for a miraculous answer, or even complete change (although I am totally open to such miracles)... but simply praying for a 'spark of Hope'... a light at the end of the tunnel... a break in the clouds.

I didn't have the emotional energy to 'do my devotions' each morning... but, instead, cried out to the Lord for the strength to simply get out of bed. I didn't read any great christian books... I simply asked the Lord to keep my mind from my typical suicidal and self injuring thoughts. I asked for some light to break through the darkness.

I've prayed these sort of prayers daily... and I still do. There has been no significant or miraculous turn of events, but there has been a break in the clouds. For me, that looks like Elliot finally sleeping through the night for the first time last night ... or Evangeline actually sharing a toy with Baby Brotha (instead of beating him with it). It looks like David and I ending a huge fight with forgiveness and laughter, instead of sleeping in different rooms.

The clouds of depression and pain are still there, but I can see the light breaking through. I've realized the tremendous beauty of cloudy skies. That light is most noticeable when it breaks through the darkness... and more importantly, that I have a Saviour that comforts me in the midst of the darkness. He doesn't just get rid of it... but He redeems it... and turns it into something beautiful.