Dancing in the Dark...
I'm lying here in bed at 12:30, after a horrendously long day... and I can't sleep. The pain in my back, legs and tailbone has been increasing drastically with this pregnancy. I'm overwhelmed to tears just thinking about waking up in the morning and dealing with this pain on top of missing hours of precious sleep... not to mention the depression that is magnified in a pain ridden, sleep deprived mind. Pain, exhaustion and darkness... that's where I am right now.
My inner addict (the Jessica that most of you knew several years ago)... is trying to think of anything that I can grasp for to numb the pain.
If I had some percocet... I could find an hour or two of relief. If I had some lexapro... I might not fall so quickly into depression. If I could take a couple shots of vodka... I could fall asleep faster.
But I don't listen to 'my inner addict' anymore. Instead... I lie here and I actually feel these things, instead of finding a way to mask the darkness and pain.
As I lie here and run through everything that I've done today... I compare it to the things that I was able to do back in my 'medicated days'... and you know what I've come up with? For some strange reason, I'm able to cope better and accomplish so much more without these 'crutches' that I thought I simply couldn't live without just a few years ago.
I use the word 'crutch'... not in a demeaning way, but in the true sense of the word. I needed those crutches for a while. When your legs are broken, you need those crutches to function and to heal. I don't think I would've made it through those years without the antidepressants and pain meds to dull the darkness and pain and help me through those times. I know so many people that have benefited from these medications... I certainly have.
But sense detoxing from narcotics, antidepressants and sleep medication .... I've learned to deal and cope with pain in different ways. I can feel my legs growing stronger without the crutches. I've had to adjust my lifestyle. I have to say no to things that most people my age can do... because I know that I'm simply not capable of 'doing it all'.
I have to lay down and rest my back even when it's driving me nuts that my house isn't in order. In a 'of course you can have it all world'... I've learned to be o.k. with not having it all... or doing it all. Not just saying I'm o.k. with it... but REALLY being o.k. with it.
I've been learning to lay aside my 'body image struggles'. I wish I could spend my time and energy on a long walk... or 'working out', but instead I'm learning to live a healthy lifestyle, even if it means I'm a little 'squishy' around the edges.
I've learned to wear comfortable shoes when my husband takes me on a date. He'd much rather be able to enjoy a long walk together then to be out with someone looking like a 'top model' (his words;).
But more than these trivial things... I have learned to feel. Pain was meant to be felt... not constantly numbed. Pain is an indicator of something. Something's wrong... and you need to do something about it.
In our fast paced, have it all world... if your back hurts when you where those cute, 4 inch heels... just take a few tylenol... I love my cute shoes way too much to give them up!
Or when we're feeling discouraged and unhappy because of genuine, horrible situations... 'here just take these pills for the rest of your life... after all, you should always be happy. '
There's something beautiful to be grasped in those lonely hours of sleeplessness. Something beautiful about walking through those dark places that only a few know.
One of my favorite movies... 'Dancer in the Dark', demonstrates it so beautiful. I can't completely endorse it, since it's quite dark and tragic... but the girl, who has lost almost all of her eyesight, is filled with such joy as she becomes more aware of the things she can hear. Because she can't see, she finds music in the sounds around her... and is almost unaware of the darkness she's in. (again... definitely quirky and tragic... and not a good idea to watch if you're in a dark place).
I want to be able to dance through the darkness... not just tolerate it, but find the beauty in it. I was so busy trying to numb so much many years ago... that I missed the beauty in it. I trusted God, and knew there was something to learn from the pain or depression that I was going through... but it was not beautiful to me.
I'm thankful that I'm able to walk this road again... this time, I'm just looking for the things that I missed the last time. This road grows more beautiful to me each time I pass through it.
My heart breaks for those of you struggling through depression... and not sharing it with those around you. Or being embarrassed for taking antidepressants... or for being 'too proud' to take them. I have been in your shoes.
I am in your shoes. But there is a clarity and focus in the midst of the darkness that I'm facing right now. A clarity that wasn't there when I was masking these feelings with medication. I'm very familiar with these morbid thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Thoughts of self injury or suicide... or hopelessness and despair. These things gripped me back then... and I was terrified to face these feelings without crutches.
It took me years, and several attempts, to lose the crutches... but I'm thankful that I finally did. As I walk through the darkness now, my hands are free. Free to feel what's going on around me. Free to reach for my heavenly Father, instead of grasping for something temporary to help me through.
I pray for those of you dealing with pain or depression. If you're broken and need some crutches... I say, 'Thank God for Antidepressants'! If you're walking through darkness, just call on Him... and His light will illuminate your path.
If you're struggling with the awful side effects of years of medication... or if you feel like it just doesn't help that much... I've been there.
The Lord has beautiful things to show you... and he can strengthen your legs. I've had friends that have come off antidepressants quickly and without a lot of withdraw. That was certainly not my story. It was the most difficult thing I've been through, but looking from 'the other side'... it was more than worth it.
So 'my inner addict' lost the battle tonight. The darkness and pain I was experiencing has turned into a rambling blog post... and now hopefully I can get some rest:)
My inner addict (the Jessica that most of you knew several years ago)... is trying to think of anything that I can grasp for to numb the pain.
If I had some percocet... I could find an hour or two of relief. If I had some lexapro... I might not fall so quickly into depression. If I could take a couple shots of vodka... I could fall asleep faster.
But I don't listen to 'my inner addict' anymore. Instead... I lie here and I actually feel these things, instead of finding a way to mask the darkness and pain.
As I lie here and run through everything that I've done today... I compare it to the things that I was able to do back in my 'medicated days'... and you know what I've come up with? For some strange reason, I'm able to cope better and accomplish so much more without these 'crutches' that I thought I simply couldn't live without just a few years ago.
I use the word 'crutch'... not in a demeaning way, but in the true sense of the word. I needed those crutches for a while. When your legs are broken, you need those crutches to function and to heal. I don't think I would've made it through those years without the antidepressants and pain meds to dull the darkness and pain and help me through those times. I know so many people that have benefited from these medications... I certainly have.
But sense detoxing from narcotics, antidepressants and sleep medication .... I've learned to deal and cope with pain in different ways. I can feel my legs growing stronger without the crutches. I've had to adjust my lifestyle. I have to say no to things that most people my age can do... because I know that I'm simply not capable of 'doing it all'.
I have to lay down and rest my back even when it's driving me nuts that my house isn't in order. In a 'of course you can have it all world'... I've learned to be o.k. with not having it all... or doing it all. Not just saying I'm o.k. with it... but REALLY being o.k. with it.
I've been learning to lay aside my 'body image struggles'. I wish I could spend my time and energy on a long walk... or 'working out', but instead I'm learning to live a healthy lifestyle, even if it means I'm a little 'squishy' around the edges.
I've learned to wear comfortable shoes when my husband takes me on a date. He'd much rather be able to enjoy a long walk together then to be out with someone looking like a 'top model' (his words;).
But more than these trivial things... I have learned to feel. Pain was meant to be felt... not constantly numbed. Pain is an indicator of something. Something's wrong... and you need to do something about it.
In our fast paced, have it all world... if your back hurts when you where those cute, 4 inch heels... just take a few tylenol... I love my cute shoes way too much to give them up!
Or when we're feeling discouraged and unhappy because of genuine, horrible situations... 'here just take these pills for the rest of your life... after all, you should always be happy. '
There's something beautiful to be grasped in those lonely hours of sleeplessness. Something beautiful about walking through those dark places that only a few know.
One of my favorite movies... 'Dancer in the Dark', demonstrates it so beautiful. I can't completely endorse it, since it's quite dark and tragic... but the girl, who has lost almost all of her eyesight, is filled with such joy as she becomes more aware of the things she can hear. Because she can't see, she finds music in the sounds around her... and is almost unaware of the darkness she's in. (again... definitely quirky and tragic... and not a good idea to watch if you're in a dark place).
I want to be able to dance through the darkness... not just tolerate it, but find the beauty in it. I was so busy trying to numb so much many years ago... that I missed the beauty in it. I trusted God, and knew there was something to learn from the pain or depression that I was going through... but it was not beautiful to me.
I'm thankful that I'm able to walk this road again... this time, I'm just looking for the things that I missed the last time. This road grows more beautiful to me each time I pass through it.
My heart breaks for those of you struggling through depression... and not sharing it with those around you. Or being embarrassed for taking antidepressants... or for being 'too proud' to take them. I have been in your shoes.
I am in your shoes. But there is a clarity and focus in the midst of the darkness that I'm facing right now. A clarity that wasn't there when I was masking these feelings with medication. I'm very familiar with these morbid thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Thoughts of self injury or suicide... or hopelessness and despair. These things gripped me back then... and I was terrified to face these feelings without crutches.
It took me years, and several attempts, to lose the crutches... but I'm thankful that I finally did. As I walk through the darkness now, my hands are free. Free to feel what's going on around me. Free to reach for my heavenly Father, instead of grasping for something temporary to help me through.
I pray for those of you dealing with pain or depression. If you're broken and need some crutches... I say, 'Thank God for Antidepressants'! If you're walking through darkness, just call on Him... and His light will illuminate your path.
If you're struggling with the awful side effects of years of medication... or if you feel like it just doesn't help that much... I've been there.
The Lord has beautiful things to show you... and he can strengthen your legs. I've had friends that have come off antidepressants quickly and without a lot of withdraw. That was certainly not my story. It was the most difficult thing I've been through, but looking from 'the other side'... it was more than worth it.
So 'my inner addict' lost the battle tonight. The darkness and pain I was experiencing has turned into a rambling blog post... and now hopefully I can get some rest:)
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