Pudgy days and River Birches...
I came across this picture today. I was just days from delivering Elliot... and quite uncomfortable. Those who know me well, know that I'm not a big fan of the 'preggo pictures'... but I'm glad I took this one. This picture hit me in a bittersweet way today. It reminds me of the little life I lost back in September. A little life that I never got to meet, but still miss. This picture reminds me of what I would've looked like and been feeling like by now. I would've been full term and waiting to meet my little one. I would've been due in about 2 weeks.
On the other hand... I sit here on the couch missing one life, but overwhelmed with gratefulness to feel this new life kicking around inside of me. I feel guilty missing the one we lost, because that would mean I would never know the one I'm expecting. I remember thinking the same thing when I was expecting Evangeline. My mind hurts a little if I think about it too much... it doesn't make sense. Then a few words from Psalm 139 came to mind... the part where David is talking about the Lord knowing and perceiving our thoughts from afar... and knowing our words before we speak them. Then he throws in one of my favorite parts...
"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it."
I love that statement. It means that He is God... and I am not. I don't have to understand or wrap my mind around everything. I am simply human. I think in 'simple human' terms. My mind is limited to space and time... God's is not.
There are other verses that are so beautiful to me as I try to think about and imagine my little babies that I never got to meet...
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...
... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
These thoughts overwhelm me when I try to imagine how God views those precious lives that were lost so early. The God of the universe... the One who spoke and the world was formed... saw the unformed bodies of my precious little ones. He is intimately involved in everything he has created. He foresaw the day that each of them would leave my womb without ever seeing this earth... and he also foresaw those dark days in my book even as I was unformed in my mother's womb. I was never far enough along to know the sex... or give my little ones names. But I imagine that they already have beautiful names that I will hear one day.
I guess my point is... I'm glad that He's God and He's in charge. Even if I don't understand His ways. I'm glad that life and death are in his Almighty hands... and that my job is to simply trust. Trust that He is good. Trust that His words are true and He is faithful to keep His promises.
As I ramble on... I am more and more aware of the darkness I've been experiencing for the last few days. It usually starts off as a 'rough morning' or as a disagreement' with my husband... but eventually I realize that it's just part of a cycle that I'm all too familiar with and prone to fall into... depression. That darkness of the soul that you just can't shake. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. Tired of nerve pain racing up and down my legs. Tired of broken relationships. Tired of hearing of 'how faithful God is' to heal someone that's been hurting for a few weeks... and wondering why He's forgotten about me. Tired of seeing sisters take their kids to the park together, when I miss my sister so much and wished we could share times like these. Tired of seeing families that get along when mine is in turmoil. Tired of... putting my hope in this life.
Then I stop myself... life can be such a disappointment because it was never meant to meet my expectations. I was created for a better place than this broken world.
Now, before I push you all off the cliff of despair... I will stop and admit that life can be beautiful and wonderful. It's fine to enjoy this world because I believe this world, at times, can be a glorious glimpse of what's to come... but we see through a glass dimly for now.
So now, my perspective is changing. What if the real tragedy is to be completely satisfied in this life? What if I never experienced pain or lost someone I loved? What if I skipped through life always basking in the sunlight? What kind of person would I be if I always had my 'ducks in a row' or felt like I was the one holding everything together? I guess I wouldn't need God then... I wouldn't long for a better place if this world was so wonderful.
So now these 'shadowlands' are taking on a new meaning. Those dark days of depression or addiction. The times I spent trying to satisfy my cravings with things in this world. Those sleepless nights of just wanting this life to be over. Those agonizing moments when the bleeding wouldn't stop and I knew the baby was gone. The days of pain when I can't lift my children as they're begging me to hold them.
There's something beautiful about the shadows that are dancing across my floor... being cast by the river birch outside my window. You notice the light in a different way when the shadows are there.
So today I'm thanking God for the shadows. Pockets of darkness that help me see the light more clearly. That feeling of desperation when I'm faced with a situation that only God can change. Looking forward to feeling the welcomed warmth of the sunlight, after waiting so long in the shade. For some of us... the shade is the brief passing of a cloud or two. For others, the shade can be a huge mountain with just a speck of light peaking through. But the very presence of the shadow just proves that the light exists...
The light exists.
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