Dirty floors... and doing fine.

I grabbed my broom and started sweeping the kitchen floor yesterday afternoon, not even 30 seconds after putting the kids down for their naps. I was worn out, hungry and my back was hurting... but somehow it's much easier for me to rest and enjoy nap time bliss when I know that my floors are clean. Yesterday, my house was in order, the laundry was mostly done and we had even had a fairly relaxing day so far, so pushing myself to sweep up the floor was no big deal.

Now today was a completely different story. By 10:00 this morning, my sweet, darling Evangeline had already brought me to tears. It was a rough day. Elliot managed to pull a poopy diaper off once in the living room... then proceeded to do it again during nap time. The laundry just kept piling up all day and I never even had an opportunity to throw one load in. The bliss of nap time was never discovered. I tried to sit out by the baby pool for a few minutes, but kept getting interrupted by a very discontent Millie Precious Darling (our beloved family pet). I gave up on my tan and ate a few carrots and got a quick shower. By then, I knew that I had to make myself lie down and rest, being that Doodle hasn't been sleeping very long lately. As I plopped down on the couch, I glanced around at my atrocious house. Wet towels and piles of poopy laundry. Toys everywhere. I thought of the dinner that I started preparing in the kitchen that was ultimately abandoned due to some sort of emergency or discipline issue. Every surface seemed cluttered and sticky... and on top of everything... my kitchen floor was filthy. You know when you walk across the floor barefoot and you have to stop and brush your feet off afterward... it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

So, of course, I just propped my feet up on the couch and tried to rest as I thought of all the ways that I had failed that morning. Thankfully I took a few minutes to talk to Jesus. I've learned to do that much sooner than I used to. I just asked him to give me the eyes to see what He wanted me to see today... and enough rest to simply make it until bedtime.

As I kept thinking back on that dirty kitchen floor... I couldn't help but think of the circumstances in my life that are atrocious and out of control. Chronic pain that that crosses every threshold you thought you could take. Family issues that keep you up at night. Mental instability. Depression. We all have dirty floors. We all try to quickly sweep up the dirt before company pops in... or we sweep simply to feel like we're in control. It's easier to rest and be content when our floors are clean.

Control. Perfection. My kids have been obeying all day... and my husband and I have really been communicating well. My house is in order and I made it to the gym ... so now I can enjoy life and be content. Sometimes it seems like 'the lack of dirty floors' or the 'lack of trying circumstances' can really masquerade as contentment... or as joy.

But what about the dirt? What happens when you realize that you aren't capable of sweeping up another messy floor? What happens when life is un-manageable and atrocious? What happens when your fabulous dinner plans go out the window... or you find yourself in circumstances that you would never wish for or imagine? Well... I'd say that's where true contentment lies. True joy can be found in these places. Like propping up your feet and enjoying a few minutes of rest in the midst of chaos. Being truly content in Christ Alone... not in our pleasant circumstances and clean floors.

My dear friend, Jennifer, apologized for sobbing in the hallway at church and jokingly said, "I'm fine." My answer to her was...
 "Of course, you're fine! Who says that being a sobbing mess isn't fine?! Who says that walking through the church lobby with your hair done and a smile on your face is 'doing fine'?!"  "In fact... maybe you're one of the few who actually is FINE! You are desperate for the Lord... you already know that you can't keep $#%^ together... I'd say you're in a much better place than many of us who are under the illusion that we're 'just fine' this morning."

Man... would I be doing 'that fine' if I had just watched my son battle through chemotherapy for over a year? Or waiting and hoping for a clean scan every 3 months? I hope so. She is desperate for God. She knows that this world of pain and suffering is not her home. I'd say she's the epitome of 'fine'... She's learning the tough lesson of being content and joyful when many other circumstances in her life are screaming the opposite.

I think of my dear friend Tiffanee. Just a few months ago, when she was pregnant with her precious daughter, people would ask... "Oh, so how many children do you have?" She would smile and answer, "This is number 7." The conversation would end there... with the stranger walking away never knowing that she had lost her precious little boy just a few years ago.  She displays such joy and contentment in the middle of one of life's worst circumstances.

 I want to be like that. I believe God answered my prayer today and opened my eyes to what He wanted me to see. Past the dirt and mess in my life... and on to the joy that only He can satisfy me with. I definitely had to fight for joy today... it was exhausting and not the most pleasant, but He has given us all we need to be at peace in the most treacherous circumstances... true joy and contentment when our floors are dirty.