It's called Desperate...
It's an awful feeling. That moment when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you simply can't do something.
I have this feeling often. It's called desperate.
Last week... It happened on a day that David in I were in a major fight (yes, we have those). Although I am quite the needy wife these days... I made it a point not to call him that day. I didn't need him. I didn't need his encouragement. I didn't need to know when he'd be home from work. I didn't need him to pick up dinner on the way home. I didn't need anything from him... Well, until...
It was at the end of a very long day juggling all three kids. I'm pretty sure that nap time was a bust that day , since I don't recall sitting down for more than two minutes. I had a screaming baby on my hip... and a complaining Doodle doing everything she could to intensify the situation. As I reached for the exersaucer... my lower back, hip and leg buckled beneath me. I didn't drop the baby, but it was all I could do to hold on to her and drag myself over the the couch. (Now this is the point in life where you choose to laugh or cry) ... naturally, we must laugh, because... well, it's pretty hysterical.
So, as if dragging my limp leg and crying baby across the room isn't enough ... 'The Doodle' decides that it's quite insulting to be upstaged by her mother, so she jumps on top of the coffee table to complain a little louder... which results in quite the catastrophe as she literally flips the table over and tumbles dramatically to the floor.
So here I am... in my 'desperate moment' of the day... half way propped up on the couch... with a crying baby that I had to lay on the floor... a cranky three year old whaling across the room and I, myself, in great need of assistance. I call my mom... No answer. Call other family members... No answer. So, naturally I am forced to call my husband. You know... the one I'm angry at. He gets through to my family and asks someone to drive over until he gets home.
In the past... The Lord has graciously shown me, through desperate situations, that ultimately... I am desperate for Him. He has shown me that the comforts of this world cannot satisfy my thirsty soul. He has shown me that this world is not where my hope is set.
But this particular day... The Lord showed me a few other things. That He is just a breath away from my desperate cries. I am beginning to see that in my weakness... HE IS STRONG. Of course, I've always known that... but what a beautiful sight it is... His strength. He doesn't simply show us how desperate we are, just to leave us there. He shows us because He wants to show us His power. He reveals our weakness, because He wants us to see His strength. He wants us to see a problem... because HE is the solution.
So as I was drained of the little strength I had that day... something beautiful took place. He opened my eyes to His strength, provision and compassion.
He helped Elliot play peacefully in his crib until reinforcements arrived... He blessed us with peace in our living room as Evangeline settled down and came over to 'help' me prop my leg up... and somehow, my sweet Adeline, who was on the brink of a meltdown just minutes before...laid on the floor just as peaceful and content as ever until help arrived.
The Lord opened my eyes to His provision as my mom and brother both showed up within 30 minutes...
The Lord opened my eyes to His compassion that afternoon as my husband, after rushing home,
scooped me up and carried me, his angry and broken wife, to the car for an emergency trip to the chiropractor.
I guess what I'm saying is... something I've shared many times before. There's nothing better than being desperate. Desperate, weak and broken. But it doesn't end there! Otherwise we'd just remain pretty pathetic creatures. Being desperate is where it begins... because He takes over after that.
I'm learning that these desperate moments are much more than just valuable 'life lessons'... "Man, this world can't satisfy you... too bad."
But rather... "This world can't satisfy you... But I can."
The God of the universe... comes down to us in our most desperate times. He calls us by name and opens our eyes to our great need. He does not treat us as our sins deserve... but scoops us up when we're angry and broken... and binds our wounds.
Of course this means, salvation. But for those of us who have been saved... it's much more. It means He gently corrects and teaches us when our hearts start to wander. He meets our needs. Not necessarily our perceived needs... but our desperate needs.
One would 'perceive' from my recent episode that I would need a new back... a successful spine surgery, non-addictive pain meds... or even a nanny. But Psalm 139 gives a picture of a God who is intimately aware of our needs. Dare I say... He is more aware of our true needs than we are.
This is one of my favorite Psalms. It has helped me to see God in such a great way, that I can barely comprehend him... yet also in such a way that He is small enough to be so near to me. This chapter tells me that He cares for me in the most minute and intimate parts of my day.
He knit me together in my mother's womb. He ordained this exact day before any of them came to be. He knows my thoughts that blame Him for the pain I endure each day. He knows when I struggle with believing that He is good.
He knows our needs better than we do. In our limited way of thinking we imagine that if God just eliminated the problem then things would be better. But His ways are far above ours. He had something much greater in mind for me that day...
Instead of the absence of pain that I have longed for the past 16 years of my life... I was ministered to by His Spirit. Instead of an instant healing (which I still pray and hope for)... I received the beautiful gift of reconciliation with my sweet husband ( although I must admit how intensley awkward it is to be carried by someone you're mad at).
Instead of ease, that day... I received the blessed assurance that Jesus is mine... and I am His. That communion with Him is sweet... and worth the fleeting cares that plague us on this earth.
So... back to desperate. In the back of my mind... I always fear this moment. The moment when my back stops cooperating with me and I'm left helpless.
I have this feeling often. It's called desperate.
Last week... It happened on a day that David in I were in a major fight (yes, we have those). Although I am quite the needy wife these days... I made it a point not to call him that day. I didn't need him. I didn't need his encouragement. I didn't need to know when he'd be home from work. I didn't need him to pick up dinner on the way home. I didn't need anything from him... Well, until...
It was at the end of a very long day juggling all three kids. I'm pretty sure that nap time was a bust that day , since I don't recall sitting down for more than two minutes. I had a screaming baby on my hip... and a complaining Doodle doing everything she could to intensify the situation. As I reached for the exersaucer... my lower back, hip and leg buckled beneath me. I didn't drop the baby, but it was all I could do to hold on to her and drag myself over the the couch. (Now this is the point in life where you choose to laugh or cry) ... naturally, we must laugh, because... well, it's pretty hysterical.
So, as if dragging my limp leg and crying baby across the room isn't enough ... 'The Doodle' decides that it's quite insulting to be upstaged by her mother, so she jumps on top of the coffee table to complain a little louder... which results in quite the catastrophe as she literally flips the table over and tumbles dramatically to the floor.
So here I am... in my 'desperate moment' of the day... half way propped up on the couch... with a crying baby that I had to lay on the floor... a cranky three year old whaling across the room and I, myself, in great need of assistance. I call my mom... No answer. Call other family members... No answer. So, naturally I am forced to call my husband. You know... the one I'm angry at. He gets through to my family and asks someone to drive over until he gets home.
In the past... The Lord has graciously shown me, through desperate situations, that ultimately... I am desperate for Him. He has shown me that the comforts of this world cannot satisfy my thirsty soul. He has shown me that this world is not where my hope is set.
But this particular day... The Lord showed me a few other things. That He is just a breath away from my desperate cries. I am beginning to see that in my weakness... HE IS STRONG. Of course, I've always known that... but what a beautiful sight it is... His strength. He doesn't simply show us how desperate we are, just to leave us there. He shows us because He wants to show us His power. He reveals our weakness, because He wants us to see His strength. He wants us to see a problem... because HE is the solution.
So as I was drained of the little strength I had that day... something beautiful took place. He opened my eyes to His strength, provision and compassion.
He helped Elliot play peacefully in his crib until reinforcements arrived... He blessed us with peace in our living room as Evangeline settled down and came over to 'help' me prop my leg up... and somehow, my sweet Adeline, who was on the brink of a meltdown just minutes before...laid on the floor just as peaceful and content as ever until help arrived.
The Lord opened my eyes to His provision as my mom and brother both showed up within 30 minutes...
The Lord opened my eyes to His compassion that afternoon as my husband, after rushing home,
scooped me up and carried me, his angry and broken wife, to the car for an emergency trip to the chiropractor.
I guess what I'm saying is... something I've shared many times before. There's nothing better than being desperate. Desperate, weak and broken. But it doesn't end there! Otherwise we'd just remain pretty pathetic creatures. Being desperate is where it begins... because He takes over after that.
I'm learning that these desperate moments are much more than just valuable 'life lessons'... "Man, this world can't satisfy you... too bad."
But rather... "This world can't satisfy you... But I can."
The God of the universe... comes down to us in our most desperate times. He calls us by name and opens our eyes to our great need. He does not treat us as our sins deserve... but scoops us up when we're angry and broken... and binds our wounds.
Of course this means, salvation. But for those of us who have been saved... it's much more. It means He gently corrects and teaches us when our hearts start to wander. He meets our needs. Not necessarily our perceived needs... but our desperate needs.
One would 'perceive' from my recent episode that I would need a new back... a successful spine surgery, non-addictive pain meds... or even a nanny. But Psalm 139 gives a picture of a God who is intimately aware of our needs. Dare I say... He is more aware of our true needs than we are.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
This is one of my favorite Psalms. It has helped me to see God in such a great way, that I can barely comprehend him... yet also in such a way that He is small enough to be so near to me. This chapter tells me that He cares for me in the most minute and intimate parts of my day.
He knit me together in my mother's womb. He ordained this exact day before any of them came to be. He knows my thoughts that blame Him for the pain I endure each day. He knows when I struggle with believing that He is good.
He knows our needs better than we do. In our limited way of thinking we imagine that if God just eliminated the problem then things would be better. But His ways are far above ours. He had something much greater in mind for me that day...
Instead of the absence of pain that I have longed for the past 16 years of my life... I was ministered to by His Spirit. Instead of an instant healing (which I still pray and hope for)... I received the beautiful gift of reconciliation with my sweet husband ( although I must admit how intensley awkward it is to be carried by someone you're mad at).
Instead of ease, that day... I received the blessed assurance that Jesus is mine... and I am His. That communion with Him is sweet... and worth the fleeting cares that plague us on this earth.
So... back to desperate. In the back of my mind... I always fear this moment. The moment when my back stops cooperating with me and I'm left helpless.
Desperate and unable is a dreadful moment for any mother. The feeling of total helplessness as your child cries for you... and you can't help them. Of course, in my situation, it's a bit humorous (considering that my children were in no danger and I merely looked as if I simply lost my mind and decided to prop up my feet in the midst of tremendous chaos)... but it brings to mind, dear friends of
mine who have had to sit helplessly at their children's bedsides... unable to ease their pain or add one more day to their lives. Desperate. Helpless. Weak.
I'm so thankful that I haven't found myself in one of those 'life or death' desperate moments... but I'd like to think that I would consider the Lord and His care for me in the midst of the darkest situation... as well as the comparatively small moments of desperation.
The moment that you realize your child simply threw up in little piles all over the floor because she was too busy playing... or defiantly yells NO for the twentieth time before breakfast. Desperate for patience.
The sleepless nights with sick babies... desperate for sleep.
That desperate feeling of watching other children run around and play as your little one is confined to a wheelchair.
The desperate feeling of bills piling up and still no job offers.
The desperate feeling of watching a loved one run as far as they can from the Lord...
That desperate moment when you're told that your precious baby won't survive outside your womb.
The moment the doctor just gives you a hug instead of verbalizing the bad news.
The desperate place where your thoughts and emotions become your worst enemy as you spiral into despair.
The desperate moment that you decide to call 911 even though you know He's gone.
These desperate moments are never welcome... but we do welcome the presence of God to breathe into our despair... and the beauty of it is... He always does.
Comments
It's a beautiful place to be and utterly desperate. Because then we are faced with the question is God truly enough? Will He truly sustain my faith in the midst of this?
Glad to know I didn't come to the end of myself alone. Praying and asking the God of all comfort to lift you up and support you and sustain you in the midst of weakness. Weakness of body and heart.
I love you. I'm just a call away. Carrying you in my heart.
JL