Broken
My husband's out of town. It's funny how a house can seem so empty even with 3 kids and a Millie Precious Darling running around. Life has been intense. Sick kids. Little sleep...
Doodle was up at 4:30 a.m. in a Benadryl induced frenzy... knocking on doors, yelling because her ears are stopped up. Of course Doodle gets sick the week David is gone. That's just my luck. I stop and adjust my attitude... "Hey, at least they're not all sick."
I wake up early... Pack the van for a day trip to my dear friend, Jennifer's house. Diapers changed. Bottles made. Dog fed. Laundry out... Landry in. Dishwasher started. Kids in the car. Snacks in hand. And all by 8:45. (round of applause please).
My darling children start to fuss, but I rush back into the house to grab one more thing because of course they'll settle down as soon as the van starts moving. I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror. I look rough. No make up... dirty shirt... dark circles under my exhausted eyes. But, hey... At least I'm in one piece.
I get in the car... Click... Click click click.... Dead battery. Naturally... These things always happen to me. I start to call David just to vent... but restrain myself. Jesus... I want to look more like you and less like myself right now. Just then I get a 'good morning' text from my overly optimistic other half.
"Good morning baby! How did it go last night?! I'm praying for you." I also restrain my inner 'eye roll'.
The kids erupt into a panic. Strapped in and nowhere to go. So... I heave all the kids out of the car and back inside. One hour ( and one heroic brother) later, we are on the road for the 40 minute drive to ' the friends in the forest' as Doodle likes to say.
Man... Before my day even gets started, things seem to be breaking apart. I thought I had everything together... then cracks and lines appear in my plans. A jagged edge of myself breaks away and falls to the ground as I am faced with the reality that I do not uphold all things... even on my very best day.
"Well, " I thought to myself, "It could be worse, at least you weren't stranded on the side of the road somewhere with all three kids."
See? That's all it takes, right? A little perspective. Our day continues. I adjust my attitude and call Davy to chuckle about the whole scenario .
We make it to our 'forest friends' house. We had a lovely and exhausting time. I assume the kids will sleep 40 minutes in the car on the way to pick up our babysitter for the evening. David was thoughtful enough to help me plan for little breaks throughout the week while he was gone.
As I work my way through 5 o'clock traffic, my kids groan with impatience instead of taking a nap. I take a deep breath and adjust my expectations once again.
"Ok, Lord... You have ordained my days before one of them came to be. You will give me the strength as I need it for this week... whatever comes. Sick kids. Dead car battery. No naps."
I call my friend Marissa, and catch her up on my day. We have a massage and pedicure schedule for Friday... I keep joking that it's literally the only thing getting me through the week. We chat for a few minutes... and before we even finish our conversation... LOUD BANG... SMOKE... and just like that... I'm stranded with a blown engine on the side of the road... with three non napping kids. But really... Doodle counts for 5 kids, especially when she's all hopped up on cold medicine... so here, I am... with the equivalent of 7 kids... stranded on the side of the road.
Wasn't it just a few hours earlier that I was thanking God for not being stranded on the side of the road with my kids? Umm... yes... it was.
Remember that imagine in the mirror? It wasn't fabulous... but it was me. It was my reflection. One piece of glass... reflecting light and shadows... blemishes and cynicism. The reflection of a young, worn out mom who was doing all she could to hold things together.
Another piece of myself breaks off and falls to the ground. Holes in the picture of the way I had planned things.
I call our babysitter's mom who rushes to help us immediately. She has enough room in her car for 3 car seats along with Doodle's 7 personalities. She takes us home... and offers to pick up her daughter at the end of the evening. The Lord used her to express his care for me that afternoon. Care that says... 'I know you can't return the favor... just receive.'
We make it to bedtime... and I endure another night of fever and craziness with Evangeline. We endure the next day together. Of course my plans were quite altered from the original vision of my week... with a sick little girl and no car. Let's just survive until bedtime. I can make it through all of this as long as I know bedtime is near.
Bedtime comes... bedtime goes. Another rough night with Evangeline... I think I averaged about 3 non-consecutive hours of sleep per night.
The next evening, my mom offers to let Doodle spend the night. It's a sacrifice for her, but she knows I need the sleep. I kiss Doodle, pray over her... and take the other two home, anticipating a much needed time of rest.
I can handle the rest of this week... i just need a good night's sleep.
Wrong... about 15 minutes after I doze off for the night... I awake to a little coughing bird. My sweet Adeline had slept a perfect 10 hours both previous nights... but no such luck on this night. I was literally up about every 45 minutes with Adeline that night.
Another piece of the mirror cracks and falls to the ground. The image that I thought I knew so well. I wanted to look in the mirror and see a mom that could handle life with her husband out of town. A mom that had the kids in bed by 9:00 and had time to read and answer the questions for bible study the next day. A wife that had the time to call and chat with her husband before bed. Or, at the very least, someone who had time to take a shower. My heart and body were weak. My back and hips were feeling the effects of the week as I jumped in and out of bed at least a dozen times that night.
I wake up the next morning drained and exhausted. But then I remember... my saving grace! No... not Jesus... that massage and pedicure I've had scheduled for weeks! Ahhh... I just have to make it to 11:45, just a few hours. Everything had fallen into place. My grandma was gonna stay at my house with Adeline... Marissa was gonna pick me and Elliot up... drop Elliot off with Dambutta and Doodle. Everything was falling working out perfectly.
Until... my mom called. She let me know that Doodle didn't sleep well and was still burning up with a fever. I called her doctor and asked if they could squeeze us in that morning. 'Please Lord... before 11:00... or after my massage... dear God please. You know how bad my back is hurting. If I just get this massage and a little break... I can make it through the weekend.'
"Umm... Sure we can squeeze her in. Is 1:15 ok?"
My heart sinks... "Umm... do you have ANYTHING else?" I ask, as politely as possible.
"No... that's it until monday."
So... dead battery. Blown engine. Sick kids. No sleep... and no massage... and a double ear infection for Doodle. The last few nights of the week only grew worse. I ended up sitting up the last two evenings with sick little Adeline... just praying that the other two wouldn't wake up. My back and emotions seemed at a breaking point.
Ugh... Now here's the problem with believing that God is Sovereign and in control (and all that good stuff)... when you believe that he is intimately involved in the details of your life and upholding the very stars in the sky... when you truly believe that... then there's only one conclusion when everything seems to fall apart. It is obviously God's fault. I mean, seriously... there's no one else to blame.
Now... I'm not suggesting that God is the source of sickness or back pain. I'm not suggesting that he wants me to be stranded on the side of the road... or up all night with sick kids or dealing with constant chaos. I do believe that there is a spiritual battle. A battle was taking place over my mind and belief's this past week. I believe that there have been many situations that the enemy has hurled at me... expecting me to fall into despair, discouragement and depression. I don't believe that God is the source of pain, suffering and despair. But here's the beautiful thing about being a Believer. A Believer in Jesus Christ as my Savior. A Believer in the God of the universe that loves me so much that he forsook his own son. A Believer in the promise that 'All things work together for the good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes'.
The beautiful thing is... that when things are hurled at you by the enemy... eventually you stop seeing 'what the enemy means to destroy' and you start to see God at work. Darts that the enemy would use to steal, kill and destroy, are now arrows that pierce our very souls with the redeeming love of Christ. At some point 'blame' becomes 'thanks'. He redeems chaotic situations and uses them to lift our gaze to him. He redeems a broken back and has used the pain and weakness to show me his tender love. My sweetest moments with my Savior have been lying flat on my back. Helpless and weak. No... he is not the author of pain. He is the Healer and he will restore my back one day. But right now I know him as a tender Redeemer. He has redeemed a situation that the enemy wanted to use to bring addiction, self-injury, depression and suicide... and He has made it a vehicle of his love.
He has done that for me this week. One by one... with each overwhelming situation. Each time I thought I couldn't take another 'arrow'. Each time I foolishly put my hope in something as frivolous as a massage or a good nights sleep... He redirected me to the deepest and truest source of my strength... which is only found in him.
He doesn't want us to look into a mirror and see ourselves in one piece. He wants to shatter every hope we place in our own image. When we are weak... He is strong.
As I see my image of strength crack and crumble to pieces... I look down at the broken peices of myself and see a glorious mosaic of His light. Images, too many to count, that reflect something far greater than my own image.
He is at work. Don't be afraid to be broken. Don't be afraid to come to the end of yourself. Be encouraged when you find yourself in a place of weakness... because that's the very place where His power is brought to perfection.
Doodle was up at 4:30 a.m. in a Benadryl induced frenzy... knocking on doors, yelling because her ears are stopped up. Of course Doodle gets sick the week David is gone. That's just my luck. I stop and adjust my attitude... "Hey, at least they're not all sick."
I wake up early... Pack the van for a day trip to my dear friend, Jennifer's house. Diapers changed. Bottles made. Dog fed. Laundry out... Landry in. Dishwasher started. Kids in the car. Snacks in hand. And all by 8:45. (round of applause please).
My darling children start to fuss, but I rush back into the house to grab one more thing because of course they'll settle down as soon as the van starts moving. I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror. I look rough. No make up... dirty shirt... dark circles under my exhausted eyes. But, hey... At least I'm in one piece.
I get in the car... Click... Click click click.... Dead battery. Naturally... These things always happen to me. I start to call David just to vent... but restrain myself. Jesus... I want to look more like you and less like myself right now. Just then I get a 'good morning' text from my overly optimistic other half.
"Good morning baby! How did it go last night?! I'm praying for you." I also restrain my inner 'eye roll'.
The kids erupt into a panic. Strapped in and nowhere to go. So... I heave all the kids out of the car and back inside. One hour ( and one heroic brother) later, we are on the road for the 40 minute drive to ' the friends in the forest' as Doodle likes to say.
Man... Before my day even gets started, things seem to be breaking apart. I thought I had everything together... then cracks and lines appear in my plans. A jagged edge of myself breaks away and falls to the ground as I am faced with the reality that I do not uphold all things... even on my very best day.
"Well, " I thought to myself, "It could be worse, at least you weren't stranded on the side of the road somewhere with all three kids."
See? That's all it takes, right? A little perspective. Our day continues. I adjust my attitude and call Davy to chuckle about the whole scenario .
We make it to our 'forest friends' house. We had a lovely and exhausting time. I assume the kids will sleep 40 minutes in the car on the way to pick up our babysitter for the evening. David was thoughtful enough to help me plan for little breaks throughout the week while he was gone.
As I work my way through 5 o'clock traffic, my kids groan with impatience instead of taking a nap. I take a deep breath and adjust my expectations once again.
"Ok, Lord... You have ordained my days before one of them came to be. You will give me the strength as I need it for this week... whatever comes. Sick kids. Dead car battery. No naps."
I call my friend Marissa, and catch her up on my day. We have a massage and pedicure schedule for Friday... I keep joking that it's literally the only thing getting me through the week. We chat for a few minutes... and before we even finish our conversation... LOUD BANG... SMOKE... and just like that... I'm stranded with a blown engine on the side of the road... with three non napping kids. But really... Doodle counts for 5 kids, especially when she's all hopped up on cold medicine... so here, I am... with the equivalent of 7 kids... stranded on the side of the road.
Wasn't it just a few hours earlier that I was thanking God for not being stranded on the side of the road with my kids? Umm... yes... it was.
Remember that imagine in the mirror? It wasn't fabulous... but it was me. It was my reflection. One piece of glass... reflecting light and shadows... blemishes and cynicism. The reflection of a young, worn out mom who was doing all she could to hold things together.
Another piece of myself breaks off and falls to the ground. Holes in the picture of the way I had planned things.
I call our babysitter's mom who rushes to help us immediately. She has enough room in her car for 3 car seats along with Doodle's 7 personalities. She takes us home... and offers to pick up her daughter at the end of the evening. The Lord used her to express his care for me that afternoon. Care that says... 'I know you can't return the favor... just receive.'
We make it to bedtime... and I endure another night of fever and craziness with Evangeline. We endure the next day together. Of course my plans were quite altered from the original vision of my week... with a sick little girl and no car. Let's just survive until bedtime. I can make it through all of this as long as I know bedtime is near.
Bedtime comes... bedtime goes. Another rough night with Evangeline... I think I averaged about 3 non-consecutive hours of sleep per night.
The next evening, my mom offers to let Doodle spend the night. It's a sacrifice for her, but she knows I need the sleep. I kiss Doodle, pray over her... and take the other two home, anticipating a much needed time of rest.
I can handle the rest of this week... i just need a good night's sleep.
Wrong... about 15 minutes after I doze off for the night... I awake to a little coughing bird. My sweet Adeline had slept a perfect 10 hours both previous nights... but no such luck on this night. I was literally up about every 45 minutes with Adeline that night.
Another piece of the mirror cracks and falls to the ground. The image that I thought I knew so well. I wanted to look in the mirror and see a mom that could handle life with her husband out of town. A mom that had the kids in bed by 9:00 and had time to read and answer the questions for bible study the next day. A wife that had the time to call and chat with her husband before bed. Or, at the very least, someone who had time to take a shower. My heart and body were weak. My back and hips were feeling the effects of the week as I jumped in and out of bed at least a dozen times that night.
I wake up the next morning drained and exhausted. But then I remember... my saving grace! No... not Jesus... that massage and pedicure I've had scheduled for weeks! Ahhh... I just have to make it to 11:45, just a few hours. Everything had fallen into place. My grandma was gonna stay at my house with Adeline... Marissa was gonna pick me and Elliot up... drop Elliot off with Dambutta and Doodle. Everything was falling working out perfectly.
Until... my mom called. She let me know that Doodle didn't sleep well and was still burning up with a fever. I called her doctor and asked if they could squeeze us in that morning. 'Please Lord... before 11:00... or after my massage... dear God please. You know how bad my back is hurting. If I just get this massage and a little break... I can make it through the weekend.'
"Umm... Sure we can squeeze her in. Is 1:15 ok?"
My heart sinks... "Umm... do you have ANYTHING else?" I ask, as politely as possible.
"No... that's it until monday."
So... dead battery. Blown engine. Sick kids. No sleep... and no massage... and a double ear infection for Doodle. The last few nights of the week only grew worse. I ended up sitting up the last two evenings with sick little Adeline... just praying that the other two wouldn't wake up. My back and emotions seemed at a breaking point.
Ugh... Now here's the problem with believing that God is Sovereign and in control (and all that good stuff)... when you believe that he is intimately involved in the details of your life and upholding the very stars in the sky... when you truly believe that... then there's only one conclusion when everything seems to fall apart. It is obviously God's fault. I mean, seriously... there's no one else to blame.
Now... I'm not suggesting that God is the source of sickness or back pain. I'm not suggesting that he wants me to be stranded on the side of the road... or up all night with sick kids or dealing with constant chaos. I do believe that there is a spiritual battle. A battle was taking place over my mind and belief's this past week. I believe that there have been many situations that the enemy has hurled at me... expecting me to fall into despair, discouragement and depression. I don't believe that God is the source of pain, suffering and despair. But here's the beautiful thing about being a Believer. A Believer in Jesus Christ as my Savior. A Believer in the God of the universe that loves me so much that he forsook his own son. A Believer in the promise that 'All things work together for the good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes'.
The beautiful thing is... that when things are hurled at you by the enemy... eventually you stop seeing 'what the enemy means to destroy' and you start to see God at work. Darts that the enemy would use to steal, kill and destroy, are now arrows that pierce our very souls with the redeeming love of Christ. At some point 'blame' becomes 'thanks'. He redeems chaotic situations and uses them to lift our gaze to him. He redeems a broken back and has used the pain and weakness to show me his tender love. My sweetest moments with my Savior have been lying flat on my back. Helpless and weak. No... he is not the author of pain. He is the Healer and he will restore my back one day. But right now I know him as a tender Redeemer. He has redeemed a situation that the enemy wanted to use to bring addiction, self-injury, depression and suicide... and He has made it a vehicle of his love.
He has done that for me this week. One by one... with each overwhelming situation. Each time I thought I couldn't take another 'arrow'. Each time I foolishly put my hope in something as frivolous as a massage or a good nights sleep... He redirected me to the deepest and truest source of my strength... which is only found in him.
He doesn't want us to look into a mirror and see ourselves in one piece. He wants to shatter every hope we place in our own image. When we are weak... He is strong.
As I see my image of strength crack and crumble to pieces... I look down at the broken peices of myself and see a glorious mosaic of His light. Images, too many to count, that reflect something far greater than my own image.
He is at work. Don't be afraid to be broken. Don't be afraid to come to the end of yourself. Be encouraged when you find yourself in a place of weakness... because that's the very place where His power is brought to perfection.
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