Good Morning... and keep fighting
This is my favorite mug. It says 'good morning' in several different languages. It reminds me of the places that I've visited across the world... I love this mug.
I'm not a morning person. Maybe that's what started 'world war III' in our house today (friday, April 19th).
My husband isn't a coffee drinker. I wish he was. He can run laps around me any time of the day, but I'm particularly sensitive to it when I just wake up... especially before I've had my coffee in my favorite 'good morning' mug.
I'm not a morning person. Maybe that's what started 'world war III' in our house today (friday, April 19th).
My husband isn't a coffee drinker. I wish he was. He can run laps around me any time of the day, but I'm particularly sensitive to it when I just wake up... especially before I've had my coffee in my favorite 'good morning' mug.
All I need is my good morning mug of coffee... and a few minutes to gather my thoughts... all I need is...
We started arguing about something silly. So silly that I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
But there we were... hurt and being hurt. Loving ourselves more than each other. Focused too much on our own offenses to see what the other was trying to say. I could feel the anger and turmoil about to spew out... and then...
Jessica's top choice of tantrum... throwing mugs. It hasn't happened in so long that it's sort of become a joke between us. "Oh... that was back in my 'mug throwing days'."
It happened a lot during our first year of marriage. As I was addicted to and withdrawing from pain medication and anti-depressants. But the last few years have been so much different. I've dealt with some occasional 'low points'... but nothing compared to those early years in our marriage. That is... until the past few months.
It happened a lot during our first year of marriage. As I was addicted to and withdrawing from pain medication and anti-depressants. But the last few years have been so much different. I've dealt with some occasional 'low points'... but nothing compared to those early years in our marriage. That is... until the past few months.
I'm sure it could be hormonal since having Adeline, who is almost 9 months old... or it could be the lack of sleep or just the natural chaos that comes with having three little ones... but whatever the reason, I have been dealing with serious depression again. That feeling of being stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark pit that there's no way out of. That desperate feeling of hopelessness that comes in pounding waves... sometimes the seas are calm, then all of a sudden, you're being tossed about. The waves pound you deep into the gritty ocean floor... you try to reach the surface but you don't know which direction that is. As soon as you find some air and catch your breath... another wave... and another. The last month has been awful. Two major, suicidal bouts with depression... and one severe panic attack. Thats more than I've dealt with in the last two years combined.
I wanted my morning cup of coffee. I wanted my husband to understand my 'non-morning person tendencies'. I wanted to have a minute to reconsider our intended family trip to the beach before my overly-eager husband started putting bathing suits on the kids. I was struggling with pretty low thoughts just the night before and just wasn't quite ready to face the day. I wanted David to understand. I didn't get what I wanted.
The anger, rage and depression came roaring to the surface as I slammed my favorite mug into our porcelain sink. It's ironic how the jagged pieces of my favorite 'good morning' mug now lie shattered at the bottom of the sink. The one thing that I was clinging to, to get me through the day... shattered and gone. God has been doing that, in my life, a lot lately. Shaking things up. Breaking down things I cling to. I think I asked him to do this a few months ago. It was a very daring thing to pray. To pray that I would know him better. To pray that his will, not mine would be done in my life. Sometimes selfish Jessica regrets this prayer.
So here I am... angry and at the bottom of a dark pit... the lies start.
'Your family would really be better off without you. You are such a horrible example for your daughter... not to mention the other kids. David can totally handle things on his own... maybe it's better that way. You should just do it before the kids really have too many memories of you. October 18, 1980- April 19, 2013... man, I wish today was the 18th, that would look much better on a gravestone.'
'Your family would really be better off without you. You are such a horrible example for your daughter... not to mention the other kids. David can totally handle things on his own... maybe it's better that way. You should just do it before the kids really have too many memories of you. October 18, 1980- April 19, 2013... man, I wish today was the 18th, that would look much better on a gravestone.'
I felt detached and apathetic. David called someone from our caregroup... I refused to talk. I'm sure that this seems so silly to someone who has never felt this way... but I know there are many out there who absolutely know this feeling. You can't think of anything that would help or make you feel better in the moment. Nothing.
David continues to talk on the phone. I rush back to my room... scared and overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I don't know what to do. I wanted to cut myself, so I could feel something different... but I was too apathetic to search for a razor blade.
"Jesus." was all I could say. I couldn't think of anything else to pray. But I know that name. It is the sweetest name I've ever heard. "Jesus". Doesn't darkness have to flee at the sound of his name? I think I've read that. No... you're just making that up... No... I've read that before.
I knew, in my right mind, that I was battling something. Something dark. Something not of this world. "Jesus". I said it again. (The name of the Lord is a strong tower... the righteous run into it and they are safe. Proverbs 18:10).
I knew, in my right mind, that I was battling something. Something dark. Something not of this world. "Jesus". I said it again. (The name of the Lord is a strong tower... the righteous run into it and they are safe. Proverbs 18:10).
In my right mind... I know I'm in a spiritual battle. I've been very aware of it over the last several months. I've started fighting. I have several friends that I'm in contact with daily that are battling depression or anxiety. It's been overwhelmingly obvious as I've prayed for revelation and clarity... that we 'wrestle not against flesh and blood' (Ephesians 6).
I've had two different people express the same irrational fear to me in the past week. These two people have not talked to each other at all... and their fears, that have been causing them crippling anxiety... both fears were expressed to me WORD FOR WORD.
I don't believe this is merely a coincidence. I've started praying for the ability to see and discern what is going on in the spiritual realm... and I truly believe the Lord is answering that prayer. I believe that the enemy of our souls is hiding in plain sight. Just think of all the people in our nation that are dealing with mental illness, depression, anxiety... it seems to be everywhere right now... and only increasing. I know that these are real issues... and I know that chemicals and hormones come into play, among other factors. I would never want to discredit those things... or make unbelievers think 'well, all you need is Jesus'... ( although, of course, we believe it's true on one level). I have greatly benefited from anti-depressants and counseling at different times in my life. But most people who have been on medication... would tell you that it doesn't necessarily solve the problem... although it may help. I call these things bandaids and crutches... and I'm not saying bandaids and crutches are bad... they are helpful and necessary at times... but they do not always correct the source of the problem.
I've had two different people express the same irrational fear to me in the past week. These two people have not talked to each other at all... and their fears, that have been causing them crippling anxiety... both fears were expressed to me WORD FOR WORD.
I don't believe this is merely a coincidence. I've started praying for the ability to see and discern what is going on in the spiritual realm... and I truly believe the Lord is answering that prayer. I believe that the enemy of our souls is hiding in plain sight. Just think of all the people in our nation that are dealing with mental illness, depression, anxiety... it seems to be everywhere right now... and only increasing. I know that these are real issues... and I know that chemicals and hormones come into play, among other factors. I would never want to discredit those things... or make unbelievers think 'well, all you need is Jesus'... ( although, of course, we believe it's true on one level). I have greatly benefited from anti-depressants and counseling at different times in my life. But most people who have been on medication... would tell you that it doesn't necessarily solve the problem... although it may help. I call these things bandaids and crutches... and I'm not saying bandaids and crutches are bad... they are helpful and necessary at times... but they do not always correct the source of the problem.
As christians battling these things... our job is different. I believe we need to identify what we're battling. I am not simply fighting the 'baby blues' or just 'overwhelmed by circumstances'... or in need of a week at the local psychiatric institute. When it comes down to it... I am fighting the enemy of my soul... the author of lies. Isn't that how this whole sin thing began in the first place? Eve BELIEVED a lie. Our inherent sinful nature is not the author of lies, Satan is. My hormone imbalance is not the 'author of lies'... Satan is. Am I going to believe his lies? Or battle them?
We are called Believer's... but believers in what? Believers in the word of God... the Word made Flesh... Jesus. To believe the word of God is to choose NOT to believe the lies of this world... the lies of the enemy.
I went way too long before crying out to Jesus this morning. David was reminded by our dear friend from care group to give me my 'b-complex supplement'. I'm trying to take them faithfully to see if they help.
As I melted into the rocking chair in my room... I cried out to Jesus. The angry, desperate tears eventually turning into repentant, grateful tears...
I'm sure it's no coincidence that I now had dear friends interceding on my behalf, as well.
As I melted into the rocking chair in my room... I cried out to Jesus. The angry, desperate tears eventually turning into repentant, grateful tears...
I'm sure it's no coincidence that I now had dear friends interceding on my behalf, as well.
David cautiously brought me my vitamin with a glass of water... and was quite surprised that I took it instead of throwing it across the room. He didn't realize that this transformation had already begun in my soul. Ironically, about 30 seconds after swallowing the pill... I looked up to him...
"I'm so sorry." I wailed as I gripped my arms around him. We were both so grateful and relieved that somehow the lights had come on... and I was no longer believing the lies that were swirling around in my head. We also had to laugh at the ironic timing of the life saving B-complex supplement. We, now affectionately, refer to it as 'my Jesus pill'.
"I'm so sorry." I wailed as I gripped my arms around him. We were both so grateful and relieved that somehow the lights had come on... and I was no longer believing the lies that were swirling around in my head. We also had to laugh at the ironic timing of the life saving B-complex supplement. We, now affectionately, refer to it as 'my Jesus pill'.
Sometimes I feel like I share 'too much'. I wonder if I actually verbalize or write these things down, that perhaps I'm already giving these lies more attention than they deserve. But I hope not.
Instead... my hope is to shed light on these things. It's overwhelming to know just how many people are dealing with depression and anxiety... christians that are battling it. I've heard the phrase... 'You're a christian... you have nothing to be depressed about.' I believe that in some sense, this can be true. But even with heaven as our hope... we still live in a fallen, depressed and disease ridden world. It is our job as christians to 'fight the good fight'. To be salt and light to a lost, sick, anxious and depressed world. How can we be salt and light when we're crippled by anxiety and isolated by depression?
Instead... my hope is to shed light on these things. It's overwhelming to know just how many people are dealing with depression and anxiety... christians that are battling it. I've heard the phrase... 'You're a christian... you have nothing to be depressed about.' I believe that in some sense, this can be true. But even with heaven as our hope... we still live in a fallen, depressed and disease ridden world. It is our job as christians to 'fight the good fight'. To be salt and light to a lost, sick, anxious and depressed world. How can we be salt and light when we're crippled by anxiety and isolated by depression?
I believe something amazing and God-glorifying happens when we share these things. When we bring things into the light... the darkness looses it's grip. One flicker of light is all it takes to illuminate a cold and dark room. The enemy would like me to remain in the isolated, dark cell of my mind... his lies start to make sense when I'm all alone. But as soon as I share what's going on... there are several people that can immediately tell me... THAT'S NOT TRUE.
Let me play devil's advocate for a minute.
If I saw a nation full of christians... believer's of the truth... proclaimer's of the truth... light and salt to a hopeless world... I would try to isolate and cripple them with fear. I would want them to question their own sanity. I would want them alone in the dark, where they are ineffective (or at least restricted). I would want them to feel so embarrassed and crazy... that they would never even consider sharing the lies they are hearing in their head. I would never want two believer's to recognize that they are both dealing with the same exact irrational fear... because then they might be able to see my strategy. They might identify their crippling anxiety as a spiritual attack... and if they see the attack for what it is... they might start fighting.
If I keep christians consumed with their own fears throughout the night... then maybe they'll forget to pray for the each other... let alone the lost. I would want these believers to question their own salvation. I would want to keep them so confused and wrapped up with their own struggles... that they don't even feel equipped to battle for the kingdom they're a part of.
Wow... what an easy job. They aren't even battling the kingdom of darkness... because they don't recognize it.
If I saw a nation full of christians... believer's of the truth... proclaimer's of the truth... light and salt to a hopeless world... I would try to isolate and cripple them with fear. I would want them to question their own sanity. I would want them alone in the dark, where they are ineffective (or at least restricted). I would want them to feel so embarrassed and crazy... that they would never even consider sharing the lies they are hearing in their head. I would never want two believer's to recognize that they are both dealing with the same exact irrational fear... because then they might be able to see my strategy. They might identify their crippling anxiety as a spiritual attack... and if they see the attack for what it is... they might start fighting.
If I keep christians consumed with their own fears throughout the night... then maybe they'll forget to pray for the each other... let alone the lost. I would want these believers to question their own salvation. I would want to keep them so confused and wrapped up with their own struggles... that they don't even feel equipped to battle for the kingdom they're a part of.
Wow... what an easy job. They aren't even battling the kingdom of darkness... because they don't recognize it.
This is not to condemn anyone who is struggling with these things (like myself). But I believe that this is a prevalent attack in our nation... among christians. Why would the world be drawn to us if we're just as depressed and anxious as they are?
Don't we know the truth? Don't we claim to have the answer?
Here's the difference... on this battlefield, christians will encounter these same things. Fear, anxiety, depression. But as believers... although we encounter and deal with these things... the difference is, they do not have dominion over us.
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness... and transferred us into the kingdom of his dear son." (Colossians 1:13)
Don't we know the truth? Don't we claim to have the answer?
Here's the difference... on this battlefield, christians will encounter these same things. Fear, anxiety, depression. But as believers... although we encounter and deal with these things... the difference is, they do not have dominion over us.
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness... and transferred us into the kingdom of his dear son." (Colossians 1:13)
Dear Christian,
Remember the kingdom you belong to. Remember who you are battling. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. The world suffers from depression... we battle it. The world suffers from anxiety... but we battle it. I battled intensely this week... my husband, and others, could tell you that it even looked like I was losing the battle at times. Keep fighting. Fighting darkness with light. Fighting lies with truth. Fighting panic with peace. Fighting anxiety with trust.
We fight as sojourners in a foreign land... let us not grow too comfortable in these earthly rags. We fight with the hope of heaven at the end of our journey. We fight with the power of the Holy Spirit within. And we fight with the assurance that the victory has already been won.
Remember the kingdom you belong to. Remember who you are battling. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. The world suffers from depression... we battle it. The world suffers from anxiety... but we battle it. I battled intensely this week... my husband, and others, could tell you that it even looked like I was losing the battle at times. Keep fighting. Fighting darkness with light. Fighting lies with truth. Fighting panic with peace. Fighting anxiety with trust.
We fight as sojourners in a foreign land... let us not grow too comfortable in these earthly rags. We fight with the hope of heaven at the end of our journey. We fight with the power of the Holy Spirit within. And we fight with the assurance that the victory has already been won.
Comments