Heavy Clouds and Beautiful Shadows...

I can't explain it any other way... except... the fog has lifted. I literally made myself go to our church picnic on sunday afternoon... which is an ironic place to be when you're depressed. I know that one day my kids will remember that 'mommy was there'... not that 'mommy was depressed'. I went to bed, on sunday evening, dreading the upcoming week. It was supposed to rain for the next few days... and I didn't think my current state of mind could handle it. I tossed and turned all night... capturing a few moments of rest... but barely.

Monday morning I woke up... and to my surprise, I actually didn't mind getting out of bed. The day progressed, it never rained, I actually accomplished a few things and I can honestly say... that I haven't felt so well (mentally) in weeks. Perhaps it's the supplements I've been taking... but whatever it is, I feel like more like myself today.

These last few weeks have been dark. But one thing I've come to believe with all my heart is that God is a redeemer... even to the smallest degree. Yes, he redeemed my life... but he also redeems my darkest days on this earth... my darkest moments. He takes something ugly, like depression... he takes my broken spirit... and he turns it into something beautiful.

These truths are engrained on my very soul. That when the shadows are heavy and I'm in the midst of the storm... the sun is still shining... somewhere. His light is always piercing through the darkness... even if I can't see or feel it at the moment. 
This life will be scattered with shadows... but it just makes the warmth of his light more glorious. And shadows can be beautiful... because of his light. What a beautiful and delicate pattern he is weaving in my life... I can't wait to see it in it's fullness one day.

Someone shared this hymn with me recently... and it has brought tremendous comfort to my soul. The author of this hymn was known to battle depression, attempt suicide and even spend time in an asylum. Eventually he became friends with John Newton (writer of Amazing Grace)... who encouraged him to battle his depression by writing hymns.

God Moves in a Mysterious Way  ... William Cowper, 1774

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter,

And He will make it plain.