The Silver Lining
Well... apparently an update is in order after my recent 'I'm depressed... it's the end of the world' blog. I'm realizing that while a good half of my audience is praising me for my 'transparency and candor'... the other half of my audience is held up in a remote location... staging an intervention, as we speak.
I always forget about that other half. Those of you who probably can't quite relate to my 'depths of despair' moments. Those of you who are good at math... and don't spend your free time procrastinating. I always write to the people that I think can relate to me... and forget about the ones who can't.
For those of you who can relate... thank you for your encouraging feedback. I'm so grateful to know that I can help express what many people deal with on a regular basis... and to let you know that you're not alone.
And... for those of you who have called my relatives and showed up at my front door with samples of SSRI's... I'm grateful for you as well! I never meant to alarm anyone. I guess as I was typing my little heart out... thinking 'of course other people feel this way'... I had a large group of people at the edge of their seats... biting their nails. I'm sorry... sometimes my inner monologue gets a bit dramatic.
David did make a Dr. appointment for me last week... and I am getting professional care. I have found a counselor that works with a lot of women dealing with postpartum depression. They have suggested medication... but having been on medication before, and dealing with the side effects and torturous withdraw symptoms of meds in the past... I'm hoping to go the more natural route of vitamins/supplements. I am giving myself a specific amount of time to allow the supplements to work... and I am willing to go back on meds if necessary, but want it to be the 'last resort'. I will be discussing everything with my doctor, however. While I believe there is definitely a spiritual battle I'm facing... I also don't want to ignore the medical side of things.
So... back to those crazy people that I can't relate to. The one's that seem to have their acts together and carry stamps in their purses (just in case). You know the type... the ones that mill their own grain and have well behaved kids. They don't get up in the middle of the night to write a novel or paint random pieces of furniture. They work out whether they feel like it or not. They don't have a hard time nursing their babies... in fact, they have enough milk for the whole neighborhood, should the apocalypse occur within a fortnight.
Those people... friends... that aren't like me... the ones that I would naturally avoid for fear of not measuring up... the one's I usually can't relate to and am tempted to withdraw from... are the ones I end up needing the most.
What a blessing to have friends that aren't like me! Of course I appreciate my kindred spirits out there. The ones that would suggest... 'have another chocolate and stay in bed.' I feel comforted by those of you who totally get what I'm going through... and can empathize with my lowest moments. But I'm learning to embrace those friends that I can't relate to. I need them... and we need each other in our strengths and weaknesses.
I'm so thankful for you all! Friends that have stopped by to clean my bathrooms, bring meals, do my laundry. Friends that have texted me with encouraging scriptures... and shown up at my doorstep and forced me to enjoy a Saturday morning ballet class. It's humbling, but a beautiful place to find yourself in.
I can't even express how overwhelmingly cared for I've felt in the last week. I keep joking that it's hard to be depressed when your friends won't leave you alone.
I just wanted to thank you all for your care and concern... and to give you a glimpse of my silver lining.
April 19th... the day that I so candidly blogged about... turned out to be a small victory. David told me he didn't mind if I stayed home while he took the kids to the beach...but I really fought through those horrible feelings of apathy and despair... and went with my family.
I was feeling emotionally insecure the entire time... but overwhelmed with gratefulness at the beauty I was able to enjoy.
These are priceless moments that I would've missed out on that day. I sat on the bench at the park on the ocean front... and the tears began to flow from behind my sunglasses. Tears of relieve and gratefulness... as the silver lining started to glimmer through the darkness.
Can I just take a minute to tell you how grateful I am for my husband? I look at him... and see how tenderly and patiently God cares for me. He doesn't always fulfill my biggest dreams and expectations... because that's not his job. He has, however, loved me tenderly when he doesn't understand what's going on. He has called and asked for help. He has prayed over me in the midst of panic... and been quick to forgive when I lash out in anger. This has been a trying time on our marriage... but we've grown closer to each other and to the Lord. He does need prayer and encouragement, though... and he really appreciates the way many of you have reached out to help.
More glimmers of hope... A friend from Hawaii sent me a great book that she has benefited from... along with a new mug:) We were acquaintances through church years ago... but the Lord has brought us closer through facebook. She read my blog from last week... and a package was on my doorstep a few days later. So thoughtful and kind. Let's just say I'll think twice before sailing my 'saved by Christ' mug across the room... somehow I just feel like that would be crossing the line.
And last but not least... remember my favorite good morning mug? The one that reminded me of all the places I've been... my memories... my accomplishments. The one that I shattered in my sink...
I always forget about that other half. Those of you who probably can't quite relate to my 'depths of despair' moments. Those of you who are good at math... and don't spend your free time procrastinating. I always write to the people that I think can relate to me... and forget about the ones who can't.
For those of you who can relate... thank you for your encouraging feedback. I'm so grateful to know that I can help express what many people deal with on a regular basis... and to let you know that you're not alone.
And... for those of you who have called my relatives and showed up at my front door with samples of SSRI's... I'm grateful for you as well! I never meant to alarm anyone. I guess as I was typing my little heart out... thinking 'of course other people feel this way'... I had a large group of people at the edge of their seats... biting their nails. I'm sorry... sometimes my inner monologue gets a bit dramatic.
David did make a Dr. appointment for me last week... and I am getting professional care. I have found a counselor that works with a lot of women dealing with postpartum depression. They have suggested medication... but having been on medication before, and dealing with the side effects and torturous withdraw symptoms of meds in the past... I'm hoping to go the more natural route of vitamins/supplements. I am giving myself a specific amount of time to allow the supplements to work... and I am willing to go back on meds if necessary, but want it to be the 'last resort'. I will be discussing everything with my doctor, however. While I believe there is definitely a spiritual battle I'm facing... I also don't want to ignore the medical side of things.
So... back to those crazy people that I can't relate to. The one's that seem to have their acts together and carry stamps in their purses (just in case). You know the type... the ones that mill their own grain and have well behaved kids. They don't get up in the middle of the night to write a novel or paint random pieces of furniture. They work out whether they feel like it or not. They don't have a hard time nursing their babies... in fact, they have enough milk for the whole neighborhood, should the apocalypse occur within a fortnight.
Those people... friends... that aren't like me... the ones that I would naturally avoid for fear of not measuring up... the one's I usually can't relate to and am tempted to withdraw from... are the ones I end up needing the most.
What a blessing to have friends that aren't like me! Of course I appreciate my kindred spirits out there. The ones that would suggest... 'have another chocolate and stay in bed.' I feel comforted by those of you who totally get what I'm going through... and can empathize with my lowest moments. But I'm learning to embrace those friends that I can't relate to. I need them... and we need each other in our strengths and weaknesses.
I'm so thankful for you all! Friends that have stopped by to clean my bathrooms, bring meals, do my laundry. Friends that have texted me with encouraging scriptures... and shown up at my doorstep and forced me to enjoy a Saturday morning ballet class. It's humbling, but a beautiful place to find yourself in.
I can't even express how overwhelmingly cared for I've felt in the last week. I keep joking that it's hard to be depressed when your friends won't leave you alone.
I just wanted to thank you all for your care and concern... and to give you a glimpse of my silver lining.
April 19th... the day that I so candidly blogged about... turned out to be a small victory. David told me he didn't mind if I stayed home while he took the kids to the beach...but I really fought through those horrible feelings of apathy and despair... and went with my family.
I was feeling emotionally insecure the entire time... but overwhelmed with gratefulness at the beauty I was able to enjoy.
These are priceless moments that I would've missed out on that day. I sat on the bench at the park on the ocean front... and the tears began to flow from behind my sunglasses. Tears of relieve and gratefulness... as the silver lining started to glimmer through the darkness.
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| Grateful for these glimmers of hope in the midst of a dark battle.... |
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| The warmth of the sun... after the darkest nights. |
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| Grateful to see the marvelous in the mundane... |
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| Moments I'll cherish forever... |
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| Moments that I could've missed out on... |
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| Knowing that the dark clouds will not last forever... and sometimes you have to fight to step into the sunshine. |
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| Thankful for this man... |
On a different note... he has suggested that I change the title of my blog... being that my posts have been anything but a 'whimsical and humorous outlook on motherhood' lately... perhaps he's right.
More glimmers of hope... A friend from Hawaii sent me a great book that she has benefited from... along with a new mug:) We were acquaintances through church years ago... but the Lord has brought us closer through facebook. She read my blog from last week... and a package was on my doorstep a few days later. So thoughtful and kind. Let's just say I'll think twice before sailing my 'saved by Christ' mug across the room... somehow I just feel like that would be crossing the line.
And last but not least... remember my favorite good morning mug? The one that reminded me of all the places I've been... my memories... my accomplishments. The one that I shattered in my sink...
Well... my sister, Reaghan, surprised me with a new one she found on ebay. Talk about redemption. The old 'good morning mug' reminded me of things that I've done... memories I've made. But this identical new 'good morning mug' has new meaning. It reminds me of beautiful memories past... but it also reminds me of Christ's redemptive love. Anyone can love something that is already useful, beautiful and put together...
But God loves us when we're broken... then he gently crafts us together again... making us new.
Comments
My thoughts go to how I need to grow in empathy with people who go through things I don't understand. I want to be as compassionate as you feel relating to those who "get" what you go through dealing with depression.
So my friend, you are helping those other friends of yours too. They are able to care and love on you and they receive the blessing too. Maybe some, like me, need the practice of mercy and compassion, too.
I love you! Wish I was close enough to run right over.
- Steel Magnolias
I love you Jess. Up or down. Thick or thin. Thankful that Jesus carries you... and that He carries me.
XO