Thinking of a baby...

I never gets easier... losing a baby. Our little one was due in the beginning of July. Out of 6 pregnancies... this was our only 'surprise'... the 'oh my gosh... take a deep breath... I might lose my mind'... kind of SURPRISE.

At 11 weeks pregnant... we still hadn't told a soul. My intention was to wear really baggy sweatshirts until about 20 weeks... then announce 'We're pregnant! ...and... It's a boy!' I just wasn't ready for the well intended comments... 'wow, you're really going to have your hands full.'

We've known for over a month... and soon shock changed to acceptance... and acceptance to anticipation... anticipation to joy. Overwhelming joy. When you think of bringing a beautiful new soul into this world... and the amazing love and joy a new baby brings to a family... how could you not be excited? Soon enough you realize that the baby weight and sleepless nights are such a small price to pay.

Hiding first trimester fatigue, morning sickness and migraines can be quite challenging. Oh well... we're almost there. By Christmas we'll be safely into our second trimester... maybe we'll make our big announcement then. Evangeline will be so excited... she's been asking for a 'new baby' for months now.

The bleeding started on Saturday... we lost our baby on Monday. Our little baby... already had a heartbeat and little fingernails. This miscarriage was quite traumatic. Much more intense than our other two.  I probably should've gone to the E.R., but I didn't want to go through everything in such a cold, sterile environment. I eventually called the Dr. on Tuesday... and they asked me to come in for a ultrasound to make sure that I passed everything. They asked me to go ahead and bring 'it' in with us. After the check-up the Dr. told us they would take a look at it... then 'dispose' of it for us. My heart sunk... "Umm... that's ok"... I said, taking back the brown paper bag containing the small gold box. "We'll take it home."

How do you 'dispose of' something so precious?

David and I snuck outside that cold, rainy night, after Evangeline's first ballet performance, and buried our baby. My heart sobbed... a little for myself... but also for the mother's that have had to bury their babies in the cold, dark ground. Babies they only held for a few minutes... babies that were perfect and whole, but never took a breath. Babies that were only on this earth for a few short days... or years.

 I was carrying a baby just a week ago... and now it's gone. My body hasn't recovered... it seems to know something is missing... not quite right. I've been in bed most of the week... cramping, bleeding... debilitating headaches. It's such a strange sort of grief... to miss someone you never even met... but it's real... and raw.

The disappointment is thick in the air. This is not what Christmas was supposed to look like this year. My house is a mess. The tree is still in a bucket of water in the garage. No decorations... no cookies in the oven... no gifts wrapped.

So much needs to be done... and all I can do is lay here... thinking of a baby.

I pray and ask the Lord to open my eyes to his purpose for me today... and his Spirit gently reminds me... that I'm doing the most important thing that I could be doing this Christmas season. I'm quiet and still... I'm not cleaning, baking or setting up the tree. I'm sitting here... thinking of a baby.

A small, helpless baby is the reason we celebrate this season. A God that desperately wanted to make a way for us to be with Him. A Savior that came to be near to us... to experience the pain and brokenness of this world... and to give us Hope. Hope in life, eternal. Hope in brokenness redeemed.

For those of us that choose to believe. Believe in the ancient scriptures... prophecies foretold... prophecies fulfilled. Fulfilled in the birth of a Savior who is Christ the Lord. Emmanuel (God with us)... a Savior who put on frail, human flesh so that he could be near to us. So that he could empathize with us in our weakness. A Savior who walked among the sinners... he ate with them. A Savior who was near to the sick... he touched them. A Savior who is near to the broken-hearted.

This brings me more than comfort this Christmas... it brings me hope. Hope in a Redeemer. A Savior that redeems, not only our lives... but our biggest failures and mistakes. A Savior that redeems the brokenness of this world... even the loss of a barely formed baby... and turns our sadness into beauty.

 If you find it hard to believe this Christmas... or nearly impossible. I pray that God will speak to you in a way that you can understand... in a way that is beautiful to you. He is not far off... he walked this earth... and he is with us.

Love these words...                               

                                                             What Child is this?

What child is this, who, laid to rest,

on Mary's lap is sleeping?

Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,

While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,

Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:

Haste, haste to bring him laud, 

The Babe, the son of Mary.

So bring him incense,gold and myrrh,

Come peasant, king, to own him.

The King of kings salvation brings,

Let loving hearts enthrone him.

Raise, raise a song on high,

The virgin sings her lullaby:

Joy, joy for Christ is born,

The Babe, the son of Mary.