Dear Christian,

Equal Love... This slogan captured my heart and interest over a year ago when it popped up all over facebook. I braced myself for the endless debates that would ensue. Christian facebook debates... one of my biggest pet peeves. Not that it's wrong... just sometimes I can't help but wonder if our bold facebook debates would be better suited in a personal atmosphere... at least in a place where you know your audience. Every time I see some macho comments on gun control, (definitely not referring to my dear brother, Jacob Rickards)... my mind can't help but wander to a place in time where the men would chat it up personally... among friends... perhaps in a smoke-filled, wood paneled room.... complete with a bearskin rug. My vote is to open virtual bearskin rug rooms right here on facebook... that way, I know to avoid them.

I can only imagine how many people I am offending at this very moment... so let me explain.
I do believe that facebook can be a great avenue to have open discussions with 'friends' on a variety of topics... I mean, people are entitled to their opinions. I have an equal love/hate relationship with facebook political debates. Sometimes I roll my eyes and keep scrolling down... sometimes, I actually read all 78 comments and even take an interest in something that I may have never thought of before... and other times,  I simply have no choice but to 'hide' this person's incessant flood of political opinions and rants from my news feed... and I'm definitely not referring to you, Brian Wasko.

Politics can get hairy... especially when played out on the impersonal world stage of social media... but may I suggest that the potential miscommunication and offenses that come with the world of political facebook debates pale in comparison to the world of MORAL and RELIGIOUS FACEBOOK DEBATES.

Which brings me to the topic at hand. Gay Issues in the Christian Community.

I wanted to burst on the social media scene a year ago when my blood started boiling as I read through different facebook statuses and comments regarding the 'red equal sign'. But I hesitated as I realized that many of my opinions on the topic were based on either my personal opinions, traditional values (not to be confused with biblical values) or ignorance (not to be confused with stupidity). So I decided to wait... and learn... and I asked the Lord to search my heart regarding this very real issue.

I got up with a few friends that I hadn't talked to in awhile. Friends that I knew grew up in the church... and were now living openly gay lives... and even married with children. One guy I contacted, sweetly offered to answer a few questions for me... but I think I may have frightened him away with my candor. I apologized after not hearing back from him for awhile... he answered quickly, reassuring me that my questions weren't offensive... but he had been really busy with work. I decided to take him at his word... and I also let him know that I believe he would have an extremely valuable perspective having grown up in a christian community... and that anytime he's ready to answer... I'll be there to listen. I'm still hoping he takes me up on it one day.

Another friend was very hesitant when I contacted her. She had to give some serious thought to whether she even wanted to talk to me or not. I pushed a little and explained what my purpose was in asking such personal questions. I wanted to write a blog post on the topic of gay issues in the christian world. Eventually she gave me her email address... and said she would let me 'interview her' via email... because she liked my purpose. We emailed back and forth and I'm not sure why it surprised to hear that she was a genuine and devoted christian. Quite a minority, I assume. Eventually our correspondence changed from an interview into a friendship. We may (or may not) disagree on many different topics... but we had so much more in common... than not. Both trying to honor the Lord with our lives... both trying to figure out what that actually looks like. Both understanding the gray areas that so many assume are 'black and white' in the christian world. We are both in the 'trenches of motherhood'... dealing with tantrums and sleepless nights. She is not my 'gay friend'... she is my friend... and I'm beyond thankful to have someone in my life that causes me to dig deep to the foundations of what I believe... and to be able to love and care deeply for someone I may not agree with in all areas. I'm so glad she was brave enough to answer my questions.

I am a christian. I believe in the Bible as the inerrant word of God. I believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God. He was God's plan of redemption... and believing in him is the only way to eternal life. I believe that because God sacrificed his son to pay for the sins of humanity... those who believe in Jesus are covered in the blood he shed for us... and now God sees his perfect son when he looks at me... and now, as a Christian, I believe that through the power of the Holy Spirit... I am being conformed to the image of Christ.

Now, this is a bold statement of faith... and I understand that I could potentially offend everyone who doesn't share this belief. I don't want to do that... but when you choose to believe something as TRUTH... you must naturally agree that all opposing views are false. There are so many wonderful people that I truly love who don't share my beliefs. But what's more offensive? Believing this is true and proclaiming it boldly... or believing that this is TRUE and not sharing the best news ever told?! You can think I'm ignorant, misguided, crazy... or even wrong... but no one in their right mind could ever criticise me for being unloving. Love proclaims boldly to those who, according to the Bible, are perishing. Maybe I'm overlooking something... but I honestly can't think of too many people who would argue me here.

For God so LOVED the world... LOVED. THE. WORLD. No one is left out... he loves. Now, one thing I think this generation has gotten wrong... is to believe that love and acceptance are the same thing.

I once knew a women who had a grown son, whom she dearly loved. She witnessed his marriage to his wife... and was a doting grandmother to her son, daughter-in-law and grand-children. Many years later, this son left his marriage and was living with another women. This godly mother loved her son and welcomed him into her home even though she disagreed with his choices... but she drew a line... a very bold line. "Son, you are welcome in this home anytime, but the only woman who will ever be welcomed with you... is your wife."
The son lived with another woman for years... The mother loved her son without accepting what she believed to be 'a sinful lifestyle'. Oddly enough, the son never felt unloved by her... his lifestyle was not  accepted... but he was. If you fast forward many years into this love story... the husband came back to his wife, there was forgiveness and reconciliation... and they have been married over 50 years. The son remained lovingly devoted to his mother until her death many, many years later.

Love and acceptance... they aren't the same. Oh, how I wish this generation understood this. This should be something we wrestle with. I want my gay friends to know that just because I believe what the bible says, doesn't mean that it's easy to swallow or understand. We, as Christians, should wrestle with this topic... because it affects so many people in such a deep and personal way... we should strive to understand the heart of God in this matter... not simply 'skimming over it' because it doesn't affect us.

So this brings me back to equal love. We get it... everyone assumes that Christians are generally against gay marriage (at least, morally speaking). Or you may have a newly evolved 'liberal christian' who all of a sudden wants to 'support' gay marriage by updating their profile picture to the popular equal sign... or nonchalantly 'liking' some one's equal love profile update. This is not an argument for or against gay marriage. I certainly don't mind sharing my personal views... but that's simply not my point in writing this.

Let's face it... whether you support gay marriage or not, it's only a matter of time before equal rights will be a reality in all 50 states. It seems to be much more difficult for my parent's generation to grasp... morally and culturally... after all, sexuality was much more of a private thing as they were growing up... especially in the christian culture. If there had been social media back then... one would never post pictures of their bare baby bellies... complete with 'hand heart' over the belly button. Seriously... It was just barely 50 years ago when showing one's belly button on TV was considered vulgar.

But 'kids these days' live in an overly-sexualized world... and if we as parent don't talk about the tough topics... believe me, they'll go elsewhere.

'Progress' hasn't simply kept up with time... it has multiplied exponentially over the past few decades. Many generations will never be able to understand the things that our generation is being asked to tolerate. I want my gay friends to understand this... without feeling condemned... or discriminated against.
But as the world around us progresses... our understanding of these issues needs to progress as well. I'm not saying that Christians need to change their beliefs... but I am saying that our age old answers... reflect a lack of understanding at best... and complete ignorance and hypocrisy at it's worst.

For instance... 'not accepting a gay family member and their partner in your home' would not seem strange in the christian community 10 or 15 years ago. Fellow Christians might even affirm one another for 'standing up for righteousness' even. On some level I believe the gay family member would even 'get it' and just accept it as the way things are.

But what about now? In 2014... may I boldly suggest that this very well may not be what Christians need to be doing to 'stand up for righteousness'. How are we to be salt and light to a desperate world if we won't invite them into our homes? What happens when your child is invited to the birthday party of their very best friend in school, who has two mommies?
Just avoid it... 'Oh sorry... we can't make it." Is this what we're called to do? Or are we called to permeate the darkness with the light and good news of the gospel? How can we do this if we ignore and avoid?

If you believe that you have been called to stand up against gay marriage... then you absolutely have the right to do so. But if you're going to oppose something... at least be good at it. It seems very easy to me to 'like and 'share' facebook statuses about marriage being one man and one women... from your cozy corner chair at starbucks... when it's no secret that Starbucks has not been shy about supporting equal rights and gay marriage. They have also gone as far as letting those who oppose this agenda know that they don't need their business. It just seems logical to me that christians would quietly stop pouring a large portion of their income to a company that is supporting gay marriage... rather than flaunting empty support while taking the risk of hurting people through the impersonal world of social media. If your goal is to really stand for what you believe... put your money where your mouth is. Christians... have we not placed ourselves in the very sterotypes that we complain about?

I digress... apologies all around.

Or even still... with so many people 'coming out' since it is more widely accepted these days. Imagine that you have raised your child in the church... yet they have moved away, entered into a same-sex partnership... and may even have children. All of a sudden, you are praying for a christian family to befriend your estranged child and to take a genuine interest in them. Not to save them from their 'same-sex relationship'... but to share the love of Christ with them... and to minister to their soul. Heaven forbid the Christians next door choose to avoid such a messy 'situation'. Heaven forbid we hoard the greatest news any one's ever had to offer, simply because we don't agree with their lifestyle.


These waters are so murky and tough to navigate... but my biggest question is How should Christians address gay issues?

Let me start off by strongly suggesting that Christians have majorly missed the mark in regards to gay issues... in fact, I believe that we carry the majority of the blame when it comes to the Christian vs. Gay debate.

I'm sure my thoughts are scattered... and I'm overlooking many topics related to this issue... so these are just a few observations, of the top of my head...

We should approach these issues with humility...
The truth is... if you are a heterosexual, bible believing christian... there are probably many things you haven't even thought of or considered. Sometimes just listening to some one's story is much more loving than trying to come up with some biblical argument. Perhaps keeping your opinions to a minimum by simply stating... "This is what I believe scripture has to say about about this issue... but I'd really love to dive in and learn more."
In order to have these sorts of real conversations... logic would argue that you actual have (or spend time with) friends that aren't Christians... I'm amazed at the amount of Christians, in my generation, that don't have any friends who are gay. It very shallow and easy to oppose something when you keep it at arms length.

Sexual Immorality...
In the Christian world... the 'go to' verses against homosexuality are verses that broadly speak out against 'sexual immorality'... which includes much more than 'being gay'. As Christians, we need to realize what this really means. Sexual immorality has been rampant in churches for decades. How is this OK? I'm not talking about the big headlines of fallen pastors of huge ministries... I'm talking about sexual immorality. Christian couples that are 'waiting' to have sex until after they're married... but 'waiting' looks more like a 'technicality' than sexual purity. Kids growing up in churches... having sex in cars after youth group. Soon, you get engaged because that somehow makes it less sinful... and eventually getting married (for the wrong reasons far too often)  somehow negates that fact that you were living in sexual sin.

Christians... the atonement for your sexual immorality is the blood of Jesus. Getting married doesn't atone for your sexual immorality... Jesus alone does.

Please don't say THAT...
There are a few things that make me cringe when it comes to the topic of christians addressing gay issues. Not because they aren't 'true'... but more because there are certain christian-ese platitudes that should be banned from 99% of the conversations regarding this topic.

"My sin is just as bad as your sin."
I'm sure the majority of us have used this phrase at one time or another... but it seems especially prevalent in a 'straight christian > gay christian' scenario. The problem with this well intended 'discouragement' is that it seems to overlook the implications of what this really means in the life someone who is being told that a huge part of this person's identity is sinful.
It's easy for a young, straight, christian girl... to say this to a gay christian that has devoted themselves to celibacy. Young, christian girl means well... but her biggest struggle against sexual sin, at the time, is remaining pure until she gets married at the age of 22. This is not wrong... it just completely overlooks the fact that this young, gay christian is staring at an open sea of confusion and mystery. The current of christian waters work in the favor of many young adults that desire to marry and start a family at a young age. But a gay christian swims upstream his entire life. Swimming against the current of the world... but never finding a safe place in the church. Grieving the loss of how they imagined things... and still fighting against 'sexual sin' long after the young christian girl has her dream wedding, two children and and a facebook page that makes life look like a hallmark movie. To that person... 'my sin is as bad as your sin'... seems to lack a great deal of understanding and empathy... like, maybe they just don't 'get it'.


And never say THIS... 

One thing that has always struck me as 'odd'... is that somehow Christians assume that we're all in the same 'club' when it come to this issue. We might 'watch ourselves' a bit closer when out in public or around non-christian friends... but freely joke a fellow christian for 'acting gay' or 'throwing like a girl'. Do they ever stop to wonder why many gays are 'anti-christian'? Have they ever thought of the 12 year old boy in the pew behind them? Picking up on the blatant discrimination... and never feeling comfortable to share that he thinks he's gay. A young child that needs the guidance of a strong, Christ-like man to talk to... only there seem to be none around. I would argue that we are raising future anti-christian, gay men and women in our own churches. Kids that have questions... kids that need empathy, understanding... and answers. Kids whose hearts are soft towards God right now... but will grow cold and bitter as they feel ostracized and mocked by the very ones that should be ministering to their souls.

I've had the opportunities to spend a lot of time among different christian churches and ministries in our area... and one of the saddest things to me has been to hear words like 'fag', 'homo' or casual jokes 'that's so gay'... uttered from the mouths of those who have devoted their lives to being 'Christ-like'. Now, some of these more 'blatant terms' I can honestly say are rarely used in the christian circles I've been a part of... I can think of twice that I've heard of personally... but to be completely honest, that's two times too many. And what's even worse are the people that stand by and chuckle... or don't say anything. I'm pretty sure that last time I witnessed this... I did hold my tongue... I was so angry that I couldn't say anything at the moment without causing a scene... but then I came home and starting writing this post.

GAY CHRISTIANS...
I realize that this is a confusing term for many... so please bear with me.
I've been a part of these treacherous conversations... and I don't think I've ever witnessed them ending well. Perhaps because the majority of my family are quite passionate and opinionated people. The joke is that if one of us 'Rickards' aren't quite sure what we're talking about... we just say it like it's 100% fact. That way... you somewhat call everyone else's bluff... with your overwhelming sense of self-confidence. My brother Jacob is great at this... but he is equally as great at chuckling and shrugging his shoulders once he's proven wrong. I love that about him. But, unfortunately, this quality in most of us doesn't make for great intellectual debates... it's more like a rowdy episode Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Southern, Bible-belt version)... I'll be pitching this idea to E! in the near future.

Once again... I digress...

Using the term 'gay christian'... seems like quite a contradiction... so let me clarify. "You can't identify with being gay and a christian at the same time!" I've heard this many times...

Usually these statements are thrown around before one stops to try and understand what is meant. What I mean by this term... is a christian that is attracted to the same sex. A lot of pastors like to use the term 'same-sex attraction'... but I don't think that truly captures the essence of someone who believes that they're gay. Someone that only feels attraction for the same sex... and can't seem to find a way to be attracted to the opposite sex. Most of the time... this person has felt this way for a long time. Feeling like the have no place to fit into the church... and no one to talk to. This excludes them more than christians realize. For example... how many of you have been able to open and honestly share your 'struggles' in a 'small group' or 'care group' setting within your church? I know that I have definitely benefitted from being transparent with my peers... and finding camaraderie and accountability there.

Now... let's take it a step further... how many of you have shared 'openly and humbly' in a church, small group setting, that you really have a hard time witnessing to your neighbor because she's gay? Now imagine... someone in your group that has struggled with 'same-sex attraction' since they were young... Are they really going to feel comfortable being transparent about their struggles at that point?  One christian is praised for their humility in sharing... while the other is shut out. I wouldn't shame the first one... it just shows which way our cultural, christian current takes us... It shows complete ignorance to the fact that our churches are full of people who think they're gay... not living a 'gay lifestyle'... but struggling to identify themselves to a community of people who don't know they even exist.

I understand that there are Christians that are gay and believe being in a committed, same-sex relationship is ok... I have not come to this conclusion myself... but I must acknowledge that they exist... and not act 'repulsed' or 'disgusted' by them. I can care for them as brothers and sisters in the Lord that need a great deal of love and understanding... because, more than likely... they have felt confused, desperate, alone and ostracized for most of their lives... and if their minds or 'sexuality' need to be 'changed'... than the Holy Spirit is better at that then any of our 'great debates'.


I realize that I can be starting endless debates on this topic... so let me defuse some of them by saying I don't have it all figured out. I know that pursuing righteousness is important. I know that, as Christians, we are called out of the world to be set apart... in the world, but not of it... which means our beliefs and opinions will not always be popular.
But one thing I do know is that we are called to love. Jesus loved. He loved radically. He ate with the 'sinners'. He hated hypocrisy...

So how can we be more like Jesus... and less like hypocrites?


The issue of equal rights and gay marriage should not be something we take pride in opposing... or somehow cheer each other on as if we're leading some moral high ground parade. We have one enemy of our souls... and it is not a gay activist. Gay slurs and jokes should NEVER be acceptable in the Body of Christ. If you believe that the TRUTH is that these people are going to hell for their 'sin'... then I can't imagine anything more repulsive than to mock and make fun of them. How this must grieve the heart of God! Christ would not be mocking those he came to save... he would be friends with them.


I've debated about posting on this topic for quite sometime. I want to emphasize that I believe that scripture is the word of God... and that's where all of us , as christians, should be going to hear from God. But I do believe that we have gotten many things wrong... and need to carefully hold our opinions and prejudice up to God's word and make sure they are the same. If anything... I pray my words will convict some of hurtful behavior. I pray that these words will bring comfort to those who have felt alone. I pray that it will cause us christians to dig deep about what we really believe... and ask the Lord to search our hearts.

I pray that at least we can bring these issues out of the closets... and into the light. Confronting tough conversations with boldness and LOVE.