The Good, the Bad... and the Ganache.
The christian testimony. The 'story' of how one came to become a follower of Christ... a christian. What's your testimony?
Oh... you should hear 'so-and-so's' testimony.
My testimony is pretty boring. I'm really nervous about sharing my testimony...
These are common phrases to hear, growing up in church... I'm sure I've even mimicked these very words before... but the more I think about it, the 'curiouser and curioser' these statements become.
In my small group at church... we've been taking turns sharing our testimonies with each other. It's a great way to get to know each other. Some stories are elaborate and shocking... others, simple and pure... some could be made into a major motion picture, which in my case, Emma Watson would star in (according to the infallible facebook quiz) ... but among them all, I can honestly say that I've never heard a boring or disappointing testimony.
Which makes me think... WHY THE DISCLAIMER??? Why have we , as christians, somehow decided that our testimonies should fit in pretty little boxes... ending, of course, with... "AND THAT'S HOW I BECAME A CHRISTIAN."
The HAPPILY EVER AFTER of christianity.
But what if we make the box BIGGER??? Or just get rid of the box altogether?! What if we start testifying daily... because this world needs witnesses. Witnesses that can say... "YES... I'm a christian... but that's not where my story ends"...
Witnesses that have seen the power of the Holy Spirit at work in their daily lives... Witnesses that can tell their stories... again and again.
I guess, in the court of law, one eye witness with a sheepish testimony might not make a 'slam dunk case'. But if you have thousands of witnesses all lining up to attest to the same thing... it's much more convincing.
Maybe you don't have an extravagant account of how you 'became a christian'... but if you are a christian... and you claim to have the power of the living God at work in you... then you should have some exciting stories to tell!
So... without further ado... here's mine for the day.
I've found myself in quite the storm lately. This walk of faith... I thought I was supposed to turn out looking a bit more victorious... a bit more 'Christ-like'. But it turns out quite the opposite.
For those of you that don't know me... I'm 33 years old now... and I've dealt with severe and chronic back pain since I was 17. After trying everything possible to help the pain early on... I eventually had a spinal fusion (at the age of 24)... which didn't work. After my body rejected the materials they reconstructed my spine with... I had a second spinal fusion (the same year). Thankfully, they were able to stabilize my spine, but it didn't help much with the pain. I was a ballet dancer... and I couldn't dance... oh well... moving on. I've prayed and asked God to heal my back, because I know he can... and he will one day, but until that day... I know it's going to be a rough road. Chronic pain is tough to endure year after year... it wears on you.
Fast forward to 33 year old Jessica. Scars and struggles. Addictions. Withdrawals. 6 pregnancies. 3 beautiful children here... and 3 babies I can't wait to meet in heaven one day. Life goes on. You learn to cope with the pain.
They told me the fusion would last about 10 years. Now... I've never been great with numbers... and I'm the epitome of the creative, perfectionist procrastinator... which is probably why it's just now hitting me like a ton of bricks...
wow... it's been almost 10 years...
The panic starts to creep in and overwhelm me. Why hasn't God healed me yet?! And to add to my load of raising 3 little ones... I've also stepped into the role of choreographer for a local Passion Play... something that I believe,with all my heart, that the Lord has called me to do.
I guess I just expected Him to miraculously take the pain away, so I could dance... or at least teach... but that hasn't been the case over the last few weeks. My pain has been increasing... and the doubt and fear has tried to find a way into my heart. Sometimes there's quite a fine line between faith and foolishness... maybe I made the wrong decision? Maybe I shouldn't be dancing in the play?
I hit a new low of pain this morning... I was in agony and tears just trying to put my clothes on today. I just kept saying to my husband... "this is ridiculous... why did I think I could handle this?"
"THIS IS HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE."
The thought that just keeps coming to mind is that I'm drowning... literally sinking in the storm of my circumstances.
I came to the end of myself this morning... in a heap of tears on the kitchen floor (after trying to soothe my unruly emotions with a bowl of homemade chocolate ganache)...
THE END of myself... which turns out to be a wonderful place to find yourself.
I was instantly reminded of Jesus... walking on the water... calling Peter to get out of the boat and walk out with him. Talk about humanly impossible... I guess I'm in good company. Yeah... that's me, doing something crazy like jumping out of the boat in the middle of the storm... "Sure, I'll choreograph and dance in the play this year!"
The circumstances, of the past few months especially, have been incredibly overwhelming... and I look around at the storm... and in a panic... start to sink. Just think drowning in your own tears 'Alice in Wonderland' style. I was a hot mess, this morning... but I had to get up and go pick up Evangeline from school... then proceed to Chick-fil-a for a play date that she has literally been looking forward to for MONTHS.
So... I look up to Jesus. I don't need to conjure up enough faith to be healed... I don't need to call and beg for earthly assistance, in the form of a babysitter (although I'm quite accustom to doing so). I just need to be reminded of what I believe.
I believe that there is a powerful and all-knowing God... and I believe that He loved me enough to abandon His perfect son... dying on a cross... so that my sinfulness and unbelief wouldn't separate me from Him anymore. I believe that Jesus paid the price for my sin... and I believe that I have access to God because of that. I believe that God has faithfully carried me through the last 10 years... and that he has a glorious plan for the next 10 years...
I believe in miraculous and instantaneous healing... but my testimony is one of endurance. I've witnessed the healing of my angry heart during the first few years I dealt with pain. I witnessed the miracle of carrying 3 children to full term and bringing them into this world... when some doctors didn't think my body could handle it.
I've witnessed the tethers and chains that bind my heart to the things of this worlds being broken.
Today... my testimony is this. The grandest of miracles has already happened, as C.S Lewis put it. God came down to dwell with us. He put on flesh... his name was Jesus... and he has given us his Spirit. His Spirit within us testifies this truth to us... even at our most desperate and ugly moments...
I believe that we need to tell our stories... the good, the bad... and the ganache. Heaven forbid that someone ever look at me while I'm out with my kids... or running a rehearsal... and think, "Wow, that girl really has it together."
The truth is... anytime you see me... I am in a desperate state. I have either angrily cussed my husband out for not 'reading my mind' (last week, ironically enough, on my way to bible study,lol) ... or once again tried to manage my pain and desperation by self-injury. I have most likely sobbed my heart out on the kitchen floor or gotten angry with my children... or, the worst state of desperation... actually fooling myself enough to think that I do have my act together... which doesn't happen often.
My story today... God heals... God redeems... and He met me today... on my dirty kitchen floor.
Oh... you should hear 'so-and-so's' testimony.
My testimony is pretty boring. I'm really nervous about sharing my testimony...
These are common phrases to hear, growing up in church... I'm sure I've even mimicked these very words before... but the more I think about it, the 'curiouser and curioser' these statements become.
In my small group at church... we've been taking turns sharing our testimonies with each other. It's a great way to get to know each other. Some stories are elaborate and shocking... others, simple and pure... some could be made into a major motion picture, which in my case, Emma Watson would star in (according to the infallible facebook quiz) ... but among them all, I can honestly say that I've never heard a boring or disappointing testimony.
Which makes me think... WHY THE DISCLAIMER??? Why have we , as christians, somehow decided that our testimonies should fit in pretty little boxes... ending, of course, with... "AND THAT'S HOW I BECAME A CHRISTIAN."
The HAPPILY EVER AFTER of christianity.
But what if we make the box BIGGER??? Or just get rid of the box altogether?! What if we start testifying daily... because this world needs witnesses. Witnesses that can say... "YES... I'm a christian... but that's not where my story ends"...
Witnesses that have seen the power of the Holy Spirit at work in their daily lives... Witnesses that can tell their stories... again and again.
I guess, in the court of law, one eye witness with a sheepish testimony might not make a 'slam dunk case'. But if you have thousands of witnesses all lining up to attest to the same thing... it's much more convincing.
Maybe you don't have an extravagant account of how you 'became a christian'... but if you are a christian... and you claim to have the power of the living God at work in you... then you should have some exciting stories to tell!
So... without further ado... here's mine for the day.
I've found myself in quite the storm lately. This walk of faith... I thought I was supposed to turn out looking a bit more victorious... a bit more 'Christ-like'. But it turns out quite the opposite.
For those of you that don't know me... I'm 33 years old now... and I've dealt with severe and chronic back pain since I was 17. After trying everything possible to help the pain early on... I eventually had a spinal fusion (at the age of 24)... which didn't work. After my body rejected the materials they reconstructed my spine with... I had a second spinal fusion (the same year). Thankfully, they were able to stabilize my spine, but it didn't help much with the pain. I was a ballet dancer... and I couldn't dance... oh well... moving on. I've prayed and asked God to heal my back, because I know he can... and he will one day, but until that day... I know it's going to be a rough road. Chronic pain is tough to endure year after year... it wears on you.
Fast forward to 33 year old Jessica. Scars and struggles. Addictions. Withdrawals. 6 pregnancies. 3 beautiful children here... and 3 babies I can't wait to meet in heaven one day. Life goes on. You learn to cope with the pain.
They told me the fusion would last about 10 years. Now... I've never been great with numbers... and I'm the epitome of the creative, perfectionist procrastinator... which is probably why it's just now hitting me like a ton of bricks...
wow... it's been almost 10 years...
The panic starts to creep in and overwhelm me. Why hasn't God healed me yet?! And to add to my load of raising 3 little ones... I've also stepped into the role of choreographer for a local Passion Play... something that I believe,with all my heart, that the Lord has called me to do.
I guess I just expected Him to miraculously take the pain away, so I could dance... or at least teach... but that hasn't been the case over the last few weeks. My pain has been increasing... and the doubt and fear has tried to find a way into my heart. Sometimes there's quite a fine line between faith and foolishness... maybe I made the wrong decision? Maybe I shouldn't be dancing in the play?
I hit a new low of pain this morning... I was in agony and tears just trying to put my clothes on today. I just kept saying to my husband... "this is ridiculous... why did I think I could handle this?"
"THIS IS HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE."
The thought that just keeps coming to mind is that I'm drowning... literally sinking in the storm of my circumstances.
I came to the end of myself this morning... in a heap of tears on the kitchen floor (after trying to soothe my unruly emotions with a bowl of homemade chocolate ganache)...
THE END of myself... which turns out to be a wonderful place to find yourself.
I was instantly reminded of Jesus... walking on the water... calling Peter to get out of the boat and walk out with him. Talk about humanly impossible... I guess I'm in good company. Yeah... that's me, doing something crazy like jumping out of the boat in the middle of the storm... "Sure, I'll choreograph and dance in the play this year!"
The circumstances, of the past few months especially, have been incredibly overwhelming... and I look around at the storm... and in a panic... start to sink. Just think drowning in your own tears 'Alice in Wonderland' style. I was a hot mess, this morning... but I had to get up and go pick up Evangeline from school... then proceed to Chick-fil-a for a play date that she has literally been looking forward to for MONTHS.
So... I look up to Jesus. I don't need to conjure up enough faith to be healed... I don't need to call and beg for earthly assistance, in the form of a babysitter (although I'm quite accustom to doing so). I just need to be reminded of what I believe.
I believe that there is a powerful and all-knowing God... and I believe that He loved me enough to abandon His perfect son... dying on a cross... so that my sinfulness and unbelief wouldn't separate me from Him anymore. I believe that Jesus paid the price for my sin... and I believe that I have access to God because of that. I believe that God has faithfully carried me through the last 10 years... and that he has a glorious plan for the next 10 years...
I believe in miraculous and instantaneous healing... but my testimony is one of endurance. I've witnessed the healing of my angry heart during the first few years I dealt with pain. I witnessed the miracle of carrying 3 children to full term and bringing them into this world... when some doctors didn't think my body could handle it.
I've witnessed the tethers and chains that bind my heart to the things of this worlds being broken.
Today... my testimony is this. The grandest of miracles has already happened, as C.S Lewis put it. God came down to dwell with us. He put on flesh... his name was Jesus... and he has given us his Spirit. His Spirit within us testifies this truth to us... even at our most desperate and ugly moments...
I believe that we need to tell our stories... the good, the bad... and the ganache. Heaven forbid that someone ever look at me while I'm out with my kids... or running a rehearsal... and think, "Wow, that girl really has it together."
The truth is... anytime you see me... I am in a desperate state. I have either angrily cussed my husband out for not 'reading my mind' (last week, ironically enough, on my way to bible study,lol) ... or once again tried to manage my pain and desperation by self-injury. I have most likely sobbed my heart out on the kitchen floor or gotten angry with my children... or, the worst state of desperation... actually fooling myself enough to think that I do have my act together... which doesn't happen often.
My story today... God heals... God redeems... and He met me today... on my dirty kitchen floor.
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